Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lost the Plot (Warning: crazy depressing vent post)

Pre-preface(2.34pm) – So again I took some time away from this post and during my lunch break went shopping.
Firstly I saw a girl with some burns all over her arm and I instantly realised I don’t have it that bad. I saw people who were bigger than me, shorter than me and different to me. I also tried on some clothes which I felt good in and didn’t care about the size (too much, it still annoys me that in one brand I am a size 14 but in another I could be a size 18?!). Anyways my mood lifted a little and I need to focus on the fact that I’m really not that bad and sometimes in the right light and fabric I can look half-decent, even pretty ha ha.

Preface (12.45pm) – okay peeps, I wrote this at work a few hours ago, let it breathe and have now come back to review it. Umm wowsers it is a little all over the place and slightly depressing and I wasn’t going to post it but I decided I will. Majority of the blogs I read are all wonderful uplifting and inspiring stories about the band and the people are amazing and seem to have so much motivation but I realised this is my blog, my band, my story and it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t love my band and that’s okay because it’s the truth. Anyway... read at your own risk :-)

The past two weeks have been a bit of a struggle. I find when I am sick I now either eat nothing or eat everything and last week I seemed to eat everything (although when I really think about it, it was nothing compared to the amount I could have eaten pre-band) but there was lots of sugar, chocolate & alcohol (damn birthday).

And I can’t remember the last time I was at the gym or walked to work.

Plus my emotions have been a little crazy. I’ve just been feeling so down and overwhelmed the past few days I could just start crying whenever.

Oh this blog post is a mess. I feel like I am a mess. I really struggle with being positive and trying not to let me slow weight loss get to me but it really does in a big big way. Looking back my mind was never ready.

I didn’t go to any seminars or actually talk face-to-face with anyone just read the great wonderful fast weight-loss stories on the net and dreamt of being 60kg. Off to the Dr I go.

My Dr spent 10 mins with me, told me how I could be a size 8 and then gave me an op date and a discounted price (my mumushka works with him).

No psych consult. No shakes. No hesitations.

I then heard the not so great & fast weight-loss stories about people who had only lost 10kg over 3 years since banding or who have stayed the same (of course I don’t know what, when, how, why the eat etc but none of that matters in my head) and my mind instantly though “What if I fail at the band?”.

When I told my GP I was getting a band she questioned and suggested I try some medication before the band.

Hmm is this really for me?

The ward nurse (just before my op) didn’t believe me when I told her I was getting a band – she said I was too small.

Hmm is this really for me? What if I fail the band?

The theatre nurse in recovery just before my op asked me why I was getting a band when I didn’t need one.

What if I fail the band?

Then I wake up with a band and I am hungry hours later (logically of course I am going to be fucking hungry, I haven’t eaten or had any water for around 14 god damn hours!) – I’m already failing at the band.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

That’s all I seem to think about in regards to myself and the band, actually no myself in general but that’s a whole other story.

I know next week or even tomorrow my head will be okay and I also know that the weeks when I don’t think about it all, just do it are the weeks when I actually lose a decent amount but I am so sick of the yo-yo merry-go-round at the moment.

I’m going to book an appointment with my Dr for the new year and be open about how much I PB (almost every meal) and how some days I hate what is inside me and regret it and cry about it but I have it so help me (oh just realised I haven’t seen him in about 6 mths so he will probably be expecting me to be around 10kg lighter HAHAHA he will be disappointed).

Double fuck – it is 1year today year since banding and I am no-where, absolutely no-where close to my goal or how I imagined how I would feel.

No wonder I have been feeling shit the past few days, maybe subconsciously I was already aware of the looming “band-fucking-iversary”.

I’m sorry to all the wonderful people who read my blog, who sometimes comment and are having a wonderful time with your bands – this is a pretty downer post. I envy you so much it hurts sometimes.

Okay its now 4.44pm and I am feeling a lot "I can do this but it just takes time and perhaps small steps" instead of "I hate myself, my band, I suck at everything and I'm still fat".

I hope I haven't scared anyone.


Amy W. said...

SkinnieMinnie, without going back in your blog (which I will probably do anyways) what was your starting weight and where are you now?

It is perfectly fine to write posts that are "downers". That's what our blogs are for ya know. Venting, support, and encouragement. I do feel so bad for you that the band hasn't (yet) been what you wanted it to be. I can imagine the dissappointment you must feel. I would feel the same way.

You are pbing with every meal? Do you think you are too tight? Eating the wrong foods? When my band tightened up a few weeks ago, I just really had to give up some solid foods for now. Now I stick to mushies and little bits of solids.

I hope things turn around for you, and I am glad you posted this.


Yana said...

I'm so sorry you feel so sad and frustrated. It's especially scary to read as I'm getting banded one week from today - I have about 130 lbs to loose.

One thing I have figured out from my research is that people who see their Dr. often seem to do better. I actually asked my nurse and my Dr what do they find in their patients that have success with the band, and that was their answer - my practice encourages you to come in once a month, even if you don't need a fill, to re-evaluate.

And PBing everyday is not where you should be, so get that Dr. working for you to figure out the right solution! I'm so sorry he moved you through everything so fast - I've valued the months I've had to think about what I am doing and how it will change my life.

I hope you feel better - whether you need to get some fill out or maybe even decide against the band...you definitely shouldn't live in misery about this procedure!

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