Lost the Plot (Warning: crazy depressing vent post)

Pre-preface(2.34pm) – So again I took some time away from this post and during my lunch break went shopping.
Firstly I saw a girl with some burns all over her arm and I instantly realised I don’t have it that bad. I saw people who were bigger than me, shorter than me and different to me. I also tried on some clothes which I felt good in and didn’t care about the size (too much, it still annoys me that in one brand I am a size 14 but in another I could be a size 18?!). Anyways my mood lifted a little and I need to focus on the fact that I’m really not that bad and sometimes in the right light and fabric I can look half-decent, even pretty ha ha.

Preface (12.45pm) – okay peeps, I wrote this at work a few hours ago, let it breathe and have now come back to review it. Umm wowsers it is a little all over the place and slightly depressing and I wasn’t going to post it but I decided I will. Majority of the blogs I read are all wonderful uplifting and inspiring stories about the band and the people are amazing and seem to have so much motivation but I realised this is my blog, my band, my story and it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t love my band and that’s okay because it’s the truth. Anyway... read at your own risk :-)

11.30am
The past two weeks have been a bit of a struggle. I find when I am sick I now either eat nothing or eat everything and last week I seemed to eat everything (although when I really think about it, it was nothing compared to the amount I could have eaten pre-band) but there was lots of sugar, chocolate & alcohol (damn birthday).

And I can’t remember the last time I was at the gym or walked to work.

Plus my emotions have been a little crazy. I’ve just been feeling so down and overwhelmed the past few days I could just start crying whenever.

Oh this blog post is a mess. I feel like I am a mess. I really struggle with being positive and trying not to let me slow weight loss get to me but it really does in a big big way. Looking back my mind was never ready.

I didn’t go to any seminars or actually talk face-to-face with anyone just read the great wonderful fast weight-loss stories on the net and dreamt of being 60kg. Off to the Dr I go.

My Dr spent 10 mins with me, told me how I could be a size 8 and then gave me an op date and a discounted price (my mumushka works with him).

No psych consult. No shakes. No hesitations.

I then heard the not so great & fast weight-loss stories about people who had only lost 10kg over 3 years since banding or who have stayed the same (of course I don’t know what, when, how, why the eat etc but none of that matters in my head) and my mind instantly though “What if I fail at the band?”.

When I told my GP I was getting a band she questioned and suggested I try some medication before the band.

Hmm is this really for me?

The ward nurse (just before my op) didn’t believe me when I told her I was getting a band – she said I was too small.

Hmm is this really for me? What if I fail the band?

The theatre nurse in recovery just before my op asked me why I was getting a band when I didn’t need one.

What if I fail the band?

Then I wake up with a band and I am hungry hours later (logically of course I am going to be fucking hungry, I haven’t eaten or had any water for around 14 god damn hours!) – I’m already failing at the band.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

That’s all I seem to think about in regards to myself and the band, actually no myself in general but that’s a whole other story.

I know next week or even tomorrow my head will be okay and I also know that the weeks when I don’t think about it all, just do it are the weeks when I actually lose a decent amount but I am so sick of the yo-yo merry-go-round at the moment.

I’m going to book an appointment with my Dr for the new year and be open about how much I PB (almost every meal) and how some days I hate what is inside me and regret it and cry about it but I have it so help me (oh just realised I haven’t seen him in about 6 mths so he will probably be expecting me to be around 10kg lighter HAHAHA he will be disappointed).

Double fuck – it is 1year today year since banding and I am no-where, absolutely no-where close to my goal or how I imagined how I would feel.

No wonder I have been feeling shit the past few days, maybe subconsciously I was already aware of the looming “band-fucking-iversary”.

I’m sorry to all the wonderful people who read my blog, who sometimes comment and are having a wonderful time with your bands – this is a pretty downer post. I envy you so much it hurts sometimes.

Okay its now 4.44pm and I am feeling a lot "I can do this but it just takes time and perhaps small steps" instead of "I hate myself, my band, I suck at everything and I'm still fat".

I hope I haven't scared anyone.