Friday, November 28, 2008

Setting In.

So I don't really have much to say today, I'm exhausted and forgetting everything hmm - going to enjoy myself this w.end with yummy healthy food and wine as I won't be eating like this in a while which doesn't really bother me.

I think it is finally setting in that I won't be the same for much longer that this time next year I could be basically half my size and will practically look and feel like someone else. It is an exciting feeling knowing that food and my size won't consume me and that I can walk into any store and get anything I want off the rack and look forward to shopping like a normal 21 yr old.

Have a good w.end everyone :-)


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Daily purge (of the verbal/mental kind)

So I am meant to see my dietitian on 11 December but my surgery is on 15 and everyone is saying they started doing shakes 2 weeks before their op so I have made the executive decision to start shakes on Monday 1 December 2008 – exactly 2 weeks before my op.

I have done shakes before so I know I can do them but I just get soo bored of them, for the past month I’ve been having shakes b/fast and dinner out of habit and lost about 3kg but haven’t exercised in at least 2 weeks (my excuse is I have been working 10hr days and the past 3 w.ends in a row and the days when I get a lunch break it is storming or some street has flooded lol) so I am going to start power walking again during my lunch breaks and I have asked mum for a bike for my 22nd birthday present haha woohoo that is going to be an awesome 22nd!

So reading more blogs and following a few particular jurnee’s is so inspiring and a bit of a mind trip at the same time.

I’ve always been close to my friends but never felt like I really belong and couldn’t talk about the daily struggle I faced.
How do you tell your size 8/10 girlfriends you don’t want to go clubbing because you LITERALLY have nothing to wear or everything you do just makes you feel like a gianormous heffa in the room or you don’t want to have lunch with them because for some fucked up reason whenever you eat, you feel as if people are judging you and you shouldn't eat because you’re so fat (or you order something healthy while they all get creamy pastas and burgers and you feel like the waiter is thinking “why start to eat right now, you’re already fat”)… for so long I thought I was the only person who felt like that and it is so reassuring to hear others feel the exact same way.

I’m not nervous about the operation – I’ve had more serious ones than this before but I am absolutely shitting myself about telling people or trying to lie to friends. Maybe it’s because out of the large group of friends I have, most of them are more like acquaintances from school and our friendship group is pretty shallow anyway its none of their business right?!

I told my best friend who I thought wouldn’t be very supportive (always been a size 6 or 8, no hips or ass and her parents have the same body in their 50s) and I assumed she would have just said “oh well maybe watch what you eat a little and exercise some more” and I probably would have flipped out and said something along the lines of “watch what I eat? WATCH what I FUCKING EAT?!! Not only do I watch it, I think about it before during and after then beat myself up about every mouthful I eat and how many hours I should spend at the gym doing high-intensity cardio for”.. too far?
But she was great, told me how proud of me she was and thought it was a great idea and knew how hard I have tried before and struggled and was overall just so good so yay for pez (her nickname) for being a great friend and yay to my new followers – it’s exciting and comforting knowing you have people betting on you (in a good way) and wanting to support you however they can.

My rants are probably a little crazy but I’ve never really opened up about how I feel/felt about being overweight and how it how basically consumes my every thought. Hopefully as the weight goes down so does my mental issues and they at least stop going around in the same circles :-) a few people have spoken about talking to someone about the mental side of things as the mental part is just as hard (if not harder) than the physical part – might look into it.

Thanks again to everyone and I hope everyone is going well on their jurnees (or at least are proud of their own jurnee if they are not getting the results they want)..


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Addicted to blogging... seriously.

I have become increasingly addicted to reading other banders "jurnees" and reading all about their feelings and hopes and blah blah blah - it's actually pretty inspiring and made me realise that keeping a record of my own jurnee is a good idea and one day I will be able to look back on it for inspiration and hopefully maybe inspire someone else - or at least give them a laugh?!

It has also helped me reinforce my decision to get a band and help me be prepared for people who may not have the same views as me but bring it on. I am looking forward to having something which I know will actually help me and I can't wait to eat healthily and go to the gym (which I actually do now although I know some people just think fat people eat and do shit all 24/7 but they are just losers) and see some results and no my hard work isn't for nothing :-) yay!

A lot of people who blog have their "wish list" of things so I think I might make one up and print it off and stick on my fridge so that way I have so motivation and a nice reminder of what I really want before I open that fridge and reward myself when I reach that goal - i.e. lose 10kg - buy a hot pair of shoes; do the bridge to brisbane - day at the spa retreat; do the noosa marathon - become queen?! haha maybe not that extreme but I think it is a good idea and I am going to start doing weekly weigh-ins starting from 2 weeks before my surgery which is actually 1 December whoa.

Well have a great day everyone and I will be back soon I am sure..


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Keep your friends close.. keep your enemies closer.

So I've started reading a few message boards about lapbanding and whoa are there some crazy people about.. I thought that a site where everyone could talk about the same issue (being a boombah obviously) and offer helpful advice and tips would be great but it seems everyone (or mainly a few crazy people) are just backstabbing each other and bringing each other down!

Firstly it is just a yahoo message board - get a life!
Secondly shouldn't we be supporting our fellow fattie (anonymously of course) instead of going crazy on their asses and ruining the blogs for everyone else. It's pretty funny though, its some sort of Days of Our Lives - McDonald's style.

This may seem weird and thinking about it kind of is but isn't but I've never had any fat friends, I've always been that fat friend which is maybe why at times I've felt so isolated to my friends, if they only knew that the funny bubbly confident exterior was just one massive fake.

I've found that since I have a date now for the surgery I am constantly thinking about the band and being fat and being skinny and socialising with friends and it just seems to have consumed me but I guess when you have to consider your weight with every aspect of your life (like fuck I feel fat on this train seat, no one is sitting next to me because they won't fit) it becomes natural to have it consume your life.. hmm I wonder what it will be like when I am half my size... A lot of people have said that the mental changes are the hardest.

I am glad I have my "personal online for everyone to see and laugh at diary" to write in. I wasn't really going to keep a track of all the physical stuff but I think I might - on a weekly basis starting from 1 week before the band.

For anyone who is reading this, feel free to comment or reply or whatever bloggers do or ask questions or just say hi to let me know people are out there?!


Monday, November 24, 2008

The Jurnee so far...

So after deliberating for a while, on Friday 21 November I went and saw my surgeon for the lapband only with the intention of "just seeing what he says and considering all options blah blah blah"... I am now booked in for December 15th! It just happened so quickly and I honestly was a bit shocked with how fast it happened and honestly it is a bit of a crappy time for me. It's in between my birthday, my boyfriend's birthday [now that's a whole other blog to be done soon] and Christmas and a few friend's birthdays around the date as well but like they all say... there is no time like the present and I might as well start becoming that SkinnieMinnie now (as well as healthier & happier which are the most important things to me, lookin hot in a pair of Bettina Liano's is just a perk).

I am a bit concerned about telling friends and acquaintances though, I know I shouldn't care what they think but naturally you just do. Is it wrong for me to tell a little lie about my weight loss? I know there will be some negative comments and people thinking I am taking the easy way out but I know how hard it has been and how hard it will be.. has anyone lost a lot of weight and how did people react? Obviously there will be the positive stories and the "friends who turned out not to be real friends" but how did you cope?


Where to start.. from the beginning?

So I guess everyone probably has had enough of wannabe writers blogging their crap all over the net and so did I.. until I became one of those bloggers.

Maybe I should talk about myself a little bit first...

My name is SkinnieMinnie* and I am fat. Not in the pudgy way like "oh should she really be wearing a dress that short?" but more like a "oh who let the Dairy Farmer's cow loose in The Met on a saturday night?" fat.. except I know on the inside I shouldn't look the way I do and definitely not feel the way I do. Which is why I have made a decision which has now led me to start this blog (which is more like a journal for me but if someone actually started reading it or posting comments it means I would have to continue so I figured if someone reads it then I have to commit, ugh!) plus I can do this at work :-)

So apart from being unhappy, uncomfortable and repulsed with my own self I really am your typical 21 year old female. I like hanging out with friends (except I can't stand being with them because I feel super huge compared to them), I like clubbing (except I never feel comfortable going out trying to cover up and making me way through the dance floor) and I love shopping (ha yeah right! Trying on clothes that don't fit, wondering if the store will stock my size, getting stuck in skirts that are too tight, having to pretend I am not getting the biggest size is great fun).. so maybe I'm not your typical 21 year old female.

After years of trying to lose weight via such methods like Weight Watchers, LiteNEasy, Jenny Craig, Lemon Detox Diet, 2 hrs a day in the gym starving myself kind of methods and have always failed so after putting on about 15kg at least so far this year I am having lap band surgery on the 15th December and this is my jurnee... and anyone else that wants to come on the jurnee with me.


*SkinnieMinnie is clearly not my real name but Minnie is close to my real name and just rhymes better.. I think I will reveal myself exactly 1 year from now...

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