Thursday, November 27, 2008

Daily purge (of the verbal/mental kind)

So I am meant to see my dietitian on 11 December but my surgery is on 15 and everyone is saying they started doing shakes 2 weeks before their op so I have made the executive decision to start shakes on Monday 1 December 2008 – exactly 2 weeks before my op.

I have done shakes before so I know I can do them but I just get soo bored of them, for the past month I’ve been having shakes b/fast and dinner out of habit and lost about 3kg but haven’t exercised in at least 2 weeks (my excuse is I have been working 10hr days and the past 3 w.ends in a row and the days when I get a lunch break it is storming or some street has flooded lol) so I am going to start power walking again during my lunch breaks and I have asked mum for a bike for my 22nd birthday present haha woohoo that is going to be an awesome 22nd!

So reading more blogs and following a few particular jurnee’s is so inspiring and a bit of a mind trip at the same time.

I’ve always been close to my friends but never felt like I really belong and couldn’t talk about the daily struggle I faced.
How do you tell your size 8/10 girlfriends you don’t want to go clubbing because you LITERALLY have nothing to wear or everything you do just makes you feel like a gianormous heffa in the room or you don’t want to have lunch with them because for some fucked up reason whenever you eat, you feel as if people are judging you and you shouldn't eat because you’re so fat (or you order something healthy while they all get creamy pastas and burgers and you feel like the waiter is thinking “why start to eat right now, you’re already fat”)… for so long I thought I was the only person who felt like that and it is so reassuring to hear others feel the exact same way.

I’m not nervous about the operation – I’ve had more serious ones than this before but I am absolutely shitting myself about telling people or trying to lie to friends. Maybe it’s because out of the large group of friends I have, most of them are more like acquaintances from school and our friendship group is pretty shallow anyway its none of their business right?!

I told my best friend who I thought wouldn’t be very supportive (always been a size 6 or 8, no hips or ass and her parents have the same body in their 50s) and I assumed she would have just said “oh well maybe watch what you eat a little and exercise some more” and I probably would have flipped out and said something along the lines of “watch what I eat? WATCH what I FUCKING EAT?!! Not only do I watch it, I think about it before during and after then beat myself up about every mouthful I eat and how many hours I should spend at the gym doing high-intensity cardio for”.. too far?
But she was great, told me how proud of me she was and thought it was a great idea and knew how hard I have tried before and struggled and was overall just so good so yay for pez (her nickname) for being a great friend and yay to my new followers – it’s exciting and comforting knowing you have people betting on you (in a good way) and wanting to support you however they can.

My rants are probably a little crazy but I’ve never really opened up about how I feel/felt about being overweight and how it how basically consumes my every thought. Hopefully as the weight goes down so does my mental issues and they at least stop going around in the same circles :-) a few people have spoken about talking to someone about the mental side of things as the mental part is just as hard (if not harder) than the physical part – might look into it.

Thanks again to everyone and I hope everyone is going well on their jurnees (or at least are proud of their own jurnee if they are not getting the results they want)..



Nola said...

Well I have read back through your blog and I enjoyed the read! You will not regret having this surgery and it is wonderful that you are so young really....because you have so many great years to enjoy the new you!!! Don't be afraid to come on our blogs and ask questions or ask them here on yours....there is always someone out there willing to give you a hand and some advice around blog land:)

SkinnieMinnie said...

Thanks Nola - its still suprising how supportive everyone is and how many people there are who have/having bands.

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