Jigsaw Puzzle.

Sometimes I feel as if my life & head are a Jigsaw Puzzle.

I have the outside pieces in place creating a border (which metaphorically I would say is me, my generic life, 22, girl, eldest child, 2 younger siblings, brown hair, green eyes blah blah blah) and some more pieces which don't move and are my life story but the rest of the puzzle pieces (the present & future pieces) are constantly moving and changing and I never seem to have it puzzle completed. And every now and then the universe (me again really) gets frustrated or sad about the puzzle and pushes it off the table so I start from scratch.

Well lately I the puzzle feels it is about half way finished. All the puzzle pieces have fallen into place this week and a handful a missing and I know what they are and how to get them to complete the jigsaw. Some pieces won’t fit for a while (like a pair of size 12 jeans) but I know the piece will go in there someday. Soon.

So basically my mindframe has shifted for the better. I was thinking positive but now I FEEL positive and it might seem like there isn’t much difference between the two but there is. A big difference.

Maddie
xo

Blue Skies.

Well I have been under a bit of snow cloud the past few days (thanks to L for the term hehe) but yesterday and today feeling better and can see the blue skies now.

I do have good friends, a loving bf, finally a permanent job and a few goals to keep me sane. I'm feeling good about food as well.

Today I've had a coffee & plum for breakie, 1/2 a sandwich & a pear for lunch, a sml hot choc around 4ish and then for dinner around 7 I had bbq pork noodle soup and some yummy vegetables!

Oh and at work today we did a fire evac so I had to walk down the stairs - from L38! It was 40 flights of stairs and around 3500 steps according to my pedometer. I have done 9398 steps today so yay. And my menstrual weight gain dropped down overnight so getting there. The rollercoaster is going up and looking up at the moment.

Maddie
xo

What To Say...

Well it has been an interesting past 24hrs.

I found out some information about someone I was very close with. She was my best friend and we had been through everything together - including the delivery of her baby but things changed and she cut me out of her life (I'm sure her abusive manipulative partner had nothing to do with it). I found out last night that her sister killed herself - a month ago. I just felt such guilt and anger in myself last night I lost it and cried uncontrollably for about an hour. I hate myself that I wasn't there for her or her family in their time of need. After some very wise and comforting words from my mumushka I can't be angry at myself. I had no way of knowing (we have no real mutual friends) and she has cut herself of from communication (i.e. facebook) and has cut me out completely and the first thing I did last night was email her saying how sorry I was to hear about her loss and I hope her and Sam (her baby) are safe and well.

Then I find out via facebook that another close friend of mine (although we have drifted apart the past few years) is pregnant. I am so happy and excited for her but apart of me is saddened that she didn't tell me and I had to find out via facebook (she has since told me she wishes she had the chance to tell me before her partner blabbed on facie). And her being pregnant just brings back memories of my ex-friend being pregnant and it is just a surreal feeling for me at the moment. And another friend just got engaged today. I had sorted stuff out in my head on Sunday and all of sudden so many more emotions are flooding my head again.

My head is feeling clearer now but life and people change quickly and I am such a sucker when it comes to my friends. Anyways food & exercise now...

According to my pedometer I have taken 10,329 steps today and that is just my daily walking to/from station and around work so I am pretty happy with that. And food has been good today.
Skinny Cap for breakie
1 salmon roll for lunch
Omlette for dinner and I think I might have a scoop of ice-cream or frozen yoghurt.

I am liking work and getting my routine happening. I just need to move my butt more :-)

Peace out lol
Maddie
xo

Heyo

Heyo everyone - hope all the peeps had a good w.end.

Mine was good actually :-) work on Saturday wasn't bad - didn't eat until 4pm when I had a green apple and I felt fine with that but come dinner at 7pm I was pretty hungry.
And had a good chat with my bf. Did end up me just starting to cry and not being able to stop haha (this was at 1am after 2 wines and being pretty tired) but he was great as per usual and today after a nice deep sleep I feel better about everything already :-)

Today I have been pretty hungry but I look back 6 mths earlier and I would have eaten more than I did today.
Lunch - 12.00pm - sizzler. 1/2 plate of salad and I was full. Of course stupid me had some icecream and I was very full by then.
Arvo snack - 4.00pm - some cheese & crackers
Dinner - 7.00pm - Some yummy fish my mumushka cooked and salad. And had about 1.5L of water so far so feeling good.

Oh and I've registered for this MBF "change your life in 26 weeks" program. They have the usual tips and tricks. I think it will possibly be the usual "eat healthy, exercise" sort of stuff but I am going to try to stick to it. It can't hurt. Jump on the MBF website if anyone is keen :-)

Have a great start to week tomorrow everyone.

Maddie
xo

Blah.

So overnight I have gained about 1.5kg - damn monthlies are coming soon so I know thats why but it is still disappointing and annoying.

Now that I am working full time (6 days a week actually which is killing me) I have noticed my eating has improved and I don't eat that much anymore although somedays I can eat a sandwich and other days bread will kill me.

My life feels like a bit of a shit at the moment. I had a teary to my mumushka (what I call my mum)last night about how my life just isn't where I hoped or thought it would be at the moment. I am reassessing my relationship with my bf at the moment and find I am not coping having any "maddie" time due to working 6 days a week and then driving to his house and then back home Sunday night just to do it all over again. My wonderful mumushka reminded me that I have had a stresful past 4 mths from having the band to being made redundant and struggling getting a job which resulted in financial strain to all of a sudden working 6 days a week. So I have decided I will soon give up my Saturday job and at this point in time aiming to go overseas with my mumushka next year. She will come for 3 weeks and after that I might do a Contiki tour by myself or who knows but tha is my goal. I also want to move out in 3 mths time and whether that is with my bf, someone else or by myself who knows. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

And I've finally accepted (most of the time) that my weightloss is different to everyone else and the fact that I am losing weight is good enough. I know I can do better by exercising more but it took years to get myself fat and lazy and terrible habits so I need to realise it will take time to really get into my good habits and everyday it is a learning curve for me with my band.

I'm going out next w.end with the girls for a big bender so I think it will be good to have some fun and not worry and I'm sure once my hangover wears off I will feel better about the bf - he is great but the external factors at the moment are just straining our relationship.

Anyways I better do some work but needed to clear my head.

Have a great w.end to anyone who actually reads this lol.

Oh and thanks to the nice comments about my red dress.

Maddie
xo

Exhaaauuuusted!

I started my new permanent job today and feeling so-so about it. I really didn't want to leave the place where I was on a contract before but unfortunately they couldn't offer me a longer contract or a perm position and I have to put myself and financial safety first.

It's not that it wasn't bad but its that new, no idea what I'm doing. The Executive Manager I will be working for wasn't in and the guy looking after me didn't really know what I was doing and didn't even give me a proper tour and introduced me to 5 people lol so by lunch time I was ready to cry and go home (after walking around for 30mins (in my heels) trying to find a little park I could eat somewhere) and getting to sleep at 1am then tossing & turning all night didn't help... arvo got better but by the time 5pm came I was exhausted and not feeling too good....

....fast foward a few hours and I am feeling better. Exhausted and was feeling a little light headed for a while but ok. I seem to be all or nothing lately. Only ate once today and didn't have enough water so I need look after myself better. I'm going to take some cashews to work tomorrow to have for m.tea & a.tea. Now I know some people will be like only eat when you are hungry blah blah but every body is different and I know I sometimes my body doesn't like not having something in it for 5 hrs so a handful of cashews in the arvo to help my mind & body tide over until dinner I think will be fine :-)

Starting to feel "lighter" lately and feeling like I am getting some proper shape to my body. Want to gym/exercise 4 times this week (Wed/Thurs/Sat/Sun).

Maddie
xo

Pics N Pieces

On the right is a pic of myself @ my 21st Dec 07 - I think I was about 90-92kg then. I am having trouble finding other full length photos of myself... but I know I can't fit into that dress anymore. I am going out Saturday night so I will try and get some full length photos then *shudder*...

The only thing I like is that it looks like I have some sort of resembelance to ankles going on haha.

I might use this dress as my "goal" dress - to be able to fit into it and then for it to be too big!

Update - okay cannot find any photos of myself completely full legnth. I will update soon but since my 21st I have gotten fatter. More pics to come soon....

Have I seen you here before?

What is up ya'll?!!!

It has been a LONG time since my last ramble of a post but things have been busy. I scored a 3 mth contract and a week into I scored a permanent fulltime job with Suncorp which I start on Tuesday which I am happy about. Where I was working during my contract was a great place and I was pretty sad to go but everything happens for a reason and I am sure my new job will be great also.

Food & exercise have been alright, I definitely noticed a difference on the scales and my energy. I'm nearly under 100kg which I didn't think would be a big thing for me but it actually it is. And I know it has taken me a long time to get close but I've finally realised everyone's journey is different and the scales may not show a difference but the clothes are! I bought a dress from Witchery the other day (well 2 actually) one a size 14 and the other in a MEDIUM!!! Yes I know styles and cuts make all the difference but it's still a medium bitch haha so I look at the dress everytime I wake up and feel good about myself.

Hope everyone is doing well - I am going to try and get back into blogging semi-reguarly just for my own sake. I need to do food diary and keep track of my weight/measurements again.

Oh and I think I am over hiding my "identity" lol its just stupid and I don't think anyone even reads this anymore so who will even know it is me?! So stay tuned because I am going to post some proper pics of myself soon....

Skinnie Minnie A.K.A.....
Maddie
xo