Deep Breaths

*breathe in – breathe out – breathe in – breathe out*

So that ex-bestfriend who no longer talks to me – I just saw her.

She had her back to me and was kind of starting to turn around and I just walked right past her into a store – which I hid in for about 5mins trying not to vomit with my heart beating out of my chest – then I ventured out to actually try to find her but she was gone.

So stupid me just emailed her and I regret it now. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this still get to me and apart of me wishes I went up to try to talk to her to see how she reacted. I guess if she doesn’t email me back then I know and next time I see her – I can walk right past without wondering if she saw me or how she would react because I do not need or deserve this in my life and its time for me to really move on.

But on a positive note I have been working my butt off again this week J The gym I go to – they weigh you 3 times a week (if you want) and I lost 300g between Monday night and Wednesday night J hoping to fit in a quick work out tonight before my weigh in tomorrow morning – which is the weigh I take most notice of – I really want to see a good shift.

I’m feeling pretty good mentally lately and really hope it stays like this for a while. I now have 40 followers woohoo! If you follow and actually read this blog please say hi or ask any Q’s – sometimes I don’t know if people actually care what I am blabbing about or something.

xo

Good week

Last week was a good week. Why you ask? Because….

1. I worked out 6 times!
Monday – 30min circuit @ gym (“circuit”)

Tuesday – 30min walk TO and FROM work + circuit

Wednesday – same as Tuesday

Thursday – 25min walk to work (same distance, just getting faster) + netball – first game back since not playing for 3 weeks

Saturday – circuit

Sunday – 45min med paced stroll with my BF (included some hills)

2. Weight loss

I lost 1.2kg!! However, I weighed myself Wednesday NIGHT and then Saturday MORNING so of course it probably isn’t that much but still seeing a loss on the scaled gave me a good mental boost. I am weighing again on Saturday morning so that will definitely count.

3. Good “mind appointment”

So another good session with the psychologist on Saturday J She is super supportive & understanding.

4. D&M with the BF

The BF & I had a good D&M and worked some stuff out and things can only ever improve.



Overall just feeling good about myself :-)

crap

gained 3kg since my fall! yes I was weighed at nigt after my workout but it is so completely depressing :-( just so over it!

back on track

Well even after my last post I felt better instantly.  I think venting, letting go and knowing other people are feeling the same is just a massive brain release by itself but I was also looking at myself in the mirror differently – noticing and actually ACKNOWLEDGING my body has, is and will keep changing for the better and I really need to be easier on myself.
 
I saw my psychologist on Sunday and I am in love haha its just so good to be able to talk to a unbiased third party and have their open honest non-judgmental understanding opinion and I actually take notice of it (of course when friends/bf tell me the same thing I listen but I just think to myself “they’re just saying that because they’re a friend”) anyway what she says is so simple and its exactly what I would say to a friend but again its because she isn’t a friend.   Plus she challenges me (in a good way) and is super nice.  So although my credit card absolutely loathes me after seeing her ($185 for 50mins is a bit ridiculous, right?) I don’t care because I think I really need her for the time being.
 
Also,  Beth posted a great post last week about “trying” and how basically saying trying to yourself leaves the door open to not-trying and it really hit a nerve because that’s exactly what I do.  I “try” to exercise more this week, I “try” to eat better, I “try” to think positively and when it doesn’t work or I don’t get the results I get upset because I “tried” which means I did jack all but I “tried” so that’s enough right? WRONG!  This week I WILL get back to the gym (Dr said its all okay not, just don’t do weights above my head in case I drop them on my head lol) and I will think better about myself and I will eat better food for my body and I will get enough sleep, which is one of my biggest issues.
 
Anyway feeling like I am back on track and my mind and body are starting to sync once more.
 
One last thing - thanks to everyone who posts a comment – it is so comforting knowing people a) feel the same as me; b) read my blog and possibly think thank god I’m not the only one and c) actually read my blog and use their time/energy to post J so THANK YOU!
 
Oh and I am going to get back to keeping a food & exercise diary which I think I will write down and post at the end of the week!

100th post, slightly depressing sorry

So 100th post (not including the other food/exercise blog I have but never use) and its not a milestone or exciting at all.

I still hate my body, have only lost 10-13kg (haven't weighed myself in about 3 weeks since I fe knocked myself out) since December and its my fault because I don't exercise enough and eat shit too often and subconsciously I don't believe I deserve to be skinny which = happiness and I am too scared of changing and what people will think of me (even if I change for the better?).

As you can tell clearly my head isn't in a good place. I am actually looking forward to seeing the psychologist on Saturday.

I am trying to visualise and do all the positive affirmations but I don't believe them :-(

At the point of giving up, letting go and dealing with the fact maybe I will just be fat forever and I failed.

Ughhhhh hate this feeling.

Umm

Well I went to the psychologist on Saturday morning and I am so glad I did it :-)

Obviously since it was the first sesh it wasn't very deep or full on but we did talk about some interesting stuff and I really think it is going to help me.

Physically I am feeling below average. Went back today and I have post-concussive syndrome which is basically all the symptoms of a concussion which can last from a few days to weeks to months. Headaches, nauseousness, dizziness and blurry vision as well as lots of trouble concentrating and can make you irritable and emotional.. well I've cried twice today so yes think I am feeling a tad emotional. Also not exercising doesn't help and I am feeling really sluggish but told not to do any exercise for at least this week and just rest. I am scared of the scales and goal I had before x-mas. My goal was 10kg by xmas if I work hard, I might drop it down to 5 - 7kg if I still work hard. I want this. I will get this.

Positive vibes please people (or even words).

What a week!

Well I have had a hell of a week.

Started off Monday okay but Monday night BF and I got into some serious fight at 10pm. About 11.30pm we had sorted it out, made up, had a D&M and I was half asleep. Was. BF decided to wake me up to tell me he thinks I need to talk to someone about my anxiety issues that I have and some stuff that happened in the past. I lost it. I absolutely bawled my eyes out for about 2 hours and I couldn't stop or control it. Now I realise it was probably shock and exhaustion plus absolute surprise. I guess I have always known I have had some anxiety issues and relationships with some family members are strained at the best of times but it was such a shock to hear someone else say it. I thought I was so good at keeping my anxiety to myself etc but I guess living with someone, they get to completely know you.

So Tuesday I didn't go to work because my face was so puffy from all the crying. Yes puffy, my lips, nose, eyes were all extremely puffy and my face had a nice puff to it. My BF thought it was some sort of allergic reaction but no just crying face. I think my brain also needed a day to process itself and possibly face the demons and consider talking to someone. So after much researching, soul searching and talking to my mumushka - I have an appointment with a pscyhologist on Saturday morning - I figure it can't hurt right?!

So Wednesday day morning after a good sleep, feeling happy and confident with my decision I am off to work and then I fall down our internal stairs.. all 20 of them. rolling ass over head down them all. And they are not straight either, they curve around a wall. So for some reason I think I am ok to go to work, convince my BF I am fine, just head ache and several bruises. He tries to take me to the Dr but I refuse so he drives me to work and as soon as I get there I know it was a mistake. My knee is swollen & cut and my neck and back are starting to ache. About 11am I start feeling nauseous so luckily get an appointment with a Dr next to my work straight away. Concussion. Sent to hospital for scans and spent a few hours under obs not being allowed to sleep.. when all I wanted to do was sleep. Anyway home now, still feel a little tired with some nice purple bruises but all okay.

So I was eating ice-cream and watching Oprah and Star Jones was on. For those who don't know her basically she was a morbidly obese woman who was on the view (and some other stuff) but had gastric bypass and kept it a "secret" for a few years - well she wouldn't publicly acknowledge the surgery - anyway she really opened up and was talking about while her body was going through therapy (losing weight, gaining confidence, getting healthy etc) her mind was still stuck and it wasn't until therapy her mind really caught up with her body (and she admitted she still had fat-mind days). Anyway I guess her story inspired me and I really think talking to someone might really help me and maybe as a bonus, help my lack of weight loss which is really getting me down lately.

Well have a good weekend everyone - I will try not to walk into any walls or fall down some stairs again!