Words to live by

... Because I love me more ...

Oh Samantha from Sex & The City, I couldn't have said it better myself.

Those words are words I am trying to live by. Doing something for me not for someone else or for another reason but for me.

Anyway after that Dr. Phil motto - everything else is going relatively well.  Work has been flat out hence no confessions posts for 2 months. Relationship with BF, friends & family are going well.  Weight.. smeh but getting into good habits again.  Starting to remember that my weight doesn't define my happiness, smartness, wealth or worth.

Working from home today so I am going to go to the gym during lunch and have an extended workout because I need to move my ass - actually looking forward to it.  Careful don't fall of your chair now!

xo

howdy

Have started a new role within the same company and have been flat out. Absolutely loving it though. Great experience and extremely relevant to what I am studying (ugh full time work and part time study is killing me).

So work is good but I am so tired lately and went to Dr as I have been feeling so crap.She basically said I have some virus going around but because I have a malabsoprtion problem (thanks band.... NOT!) and my immune system is so low it is just taking me so long to get over it so she said to get as much rest as I can/when I can and no gym for two weeks because my body won't recover and I will just drive it into breakdown mode.  So trying to rest and not exercising is actually really annoying because I am just putting weight back on, getting bigger and mentally getting into a funk.  Ugh.  I honestly thought when I got this band 18mths ago my body and mind would be so different...

oh well shit happens.  its 30 weeks till my birthday so I am trying to get serious about health now and be feeling better and lighter by then.. 20kg lighter I hope.  My eating is good so once I get my booty moving should improve.

True Blood

I think True Blood is fairly big in the US but its only starting to get big here. I just watched two seasons worth in about 3 days.
 
AHHHMAAAAAAAZZZZZIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG! For those who watch it, I hope you know Jason Stackhouse (Sookie's bro) is from down under! God he is hot. Anyway its a great show.

Speaking of blood.... most (well anyone who has read my blog) would know I have had some tests done lately.. all came back fairly clear. My left ventricular (or the left side of my heart) is a little small so my cardiologist said "I need to keep en eye on that"... umm okay I will keep an eye on it.  But its not a serious problem and it could explain some other things going on with my brain.  What concerned me the most was my blood test results - I got tested for everything!

I am deficient in:
Vit A, B, C & D
Vit B12
Folate
Iron

I am borderline high in:
LDL - bad cholesterol
Thyroid is borderline 
Rheumatoid Factor is borderline high - I don't even know what that is?!


So basically my neurologist said I clearly have some malabsorption issues going on and have a few new supplements to take in the morning.


So even though its annoying and I haven't had these problems pre-band but I'm in this situation now so I need to deal with it.  My BF also had some blood tests and his cholesterol is off the rocker so its down to business for us.  Did a big fridge and pantry chuck out and have googled lots of new healthy cholesterol-friendly recipes. So time to get down to it.  Sick of being fat and unhealthy.


Also being very low in Vit D & B12 explains why I feel so tired, have no energy and physically feel worse after exercise. So I think better eating and supplements will help.  Oh also helps that I have a new job (in the same company) so stress wise things aren't so stressful!


Hoorah!

ouchies

today was my last day at work and in between meetings all i during the day was 1 sushi role.

Fast forward to dinner time, being home alone and a little emotional I drank too much and boy did i eat too much.. my tummy is ouchie :-( since having some fill out I am still struggling with food but i am giving myself a pass for the past week due to heart tests & work stuff going on.

here is a shot of my heart monitor just before bed.. looking sexy i know!  You should be upset i wasnt wearing my night mouth-guard (yes i am a teeth grinder) - and yes i did have an allergic reaction to the tape which was everywhere... including the 4 other little monitor pads under my lady lumps :-(

Restriction.. Zumba.. Fuzzy Feelings..

I haven't vomitted for a week.. not once :-)

Today I ate a toasted sandwich and it was devine. Until the tomato fell out of the sandwich and onto my shirt but it didn't take away the fuzzy sensation I was feeling.

However.. I feel like I don't have any restriction now and am really struggling to get my eating under control. This is what I ate today:

8am - yoghurt
9.30am - coffee
1.00pm - toasted sandwich
6.00pm - weight watchers mini dinner (yes they have mini dinners now! 3 points and about 230ish calories - amazing!)
6.45pm - easter freaking egg


okay that doesn't look too bad really.. just ignore the easter egg though.


So I have read a lot of the US blogs and it seems Zumba is massive over there and its taking off down under as well.  So I am in the process of downloading (yes I am a naughty pirate, arggh) and I can't wait to get my merengue march on.




Day 1 of heart tests tomorrow - not too stressed but I am exhausted due to lack of sleep the past 3 weeks but feeling positive about everything (for now).

Is anyone still reading this? please post comments / questions / thoughts? 

Ahoy!

overwhelmed

Well on Thursday I saw my band Dr & my neurologist and what an overwhelming day!

Band Dr was interesting - broke down straight away and was honest when I told him how i was feeling... i regret the band, i vomit 9 times out of 10 and nothing is happening and i hate myself more.  Since having 1.5ml taken out I haven't vomited once.. HOORAY!  I will admit on Saturday I went a little crazy with the eating, I was starving (mentally) and couldn't stop eating but I have calmed down... almost.

So I had a check-up with my neurologist as I had some MRIs on my brain a few months ago - I was thinking it would be an all clear appointment but apparently not.  I have these tiny little white spots on my brain and apparently they can be caused by heart problems such as a hole in the heart or issues with valves.  Anyway I am going for a whole bunch of tests later in the week and past few days my emotions have been all over the place and I have been having trouble coping with everything (redundancy, brain, food, band) but I am trying to keep it together.

Well thats all - I just needed to think out loud and I haven't said anything to friends because I hate worry-ing people for no reason. So if you don't mind.. please send positive vibes/prayers/meditation.. whatever you do.. my way :-D please hehe

fingers crossed

The past few days have been all over the place.  Last thursday, due to company restructure, my position was made redundant. It was a massive shock and I spent most of Thursday in tears and Friday in shock.  After some retail therapy (big savings! new work dress & jacket for $20 - will take pics), getting a massage, having my hair did AND lots of drinking.. I am feeling better.

Surprisingly I am relatively positive since I know the market has improved and I have been given a pretty good redundancy package.  I also have an interview with a large energy company tomorrow which I think would have lots of career opportunites for me!  So fingers crossed everyone.

Food wise - yeah the past week has been all over the shop, somedays I hardly eat, other days I eat everything.  I also haven't done any proper exercise in a week but time to get back to it.  Meeting with my Dr next week which I am a little scared about, simply because I haven't lost much weight but oh well.

Fingers crossed for my interview tomorrow everyone!

Week 1: Day 1

So last night I started the Couch to 5k program.

There are lots of different programs on the net but I just decided to go with www.fromcouchto5k.com.

The BF wants to do it too so it is so much easier having someone go with you and we did it when it was dark so I felt less self conscious.  Although we were walking along a normal busy suburban street when I nearly stepped on a baby snake!!! Yes a snake, it was dark and I didn’t get too close to see what it was but the fright got the heart rate up.  For any American readers – this is not a normal thing (well not for me anyway as I live 5km from the city).

I felt GREAT after it and had a really yummy lean cuisine dinner (we are having frozen dinners the past week and the next two weeks because we are both working long hours and have portion control issues so this is easier and healthier).  This dinner was probably the first dinner in a while where I haven’t PB’d.  I am starting to think I am definitely too tight since I usually PB with every meal :-S and my Dr once said that the tightness he likes is when you can eat a sandwich without PB but feel full afterwards... a sandwich?! I can only eat a sandwich if it is toasted, I have about 30mins spare and a toilet close by.

It’s amazing how one little happy moment can make your outlook/positivity change so much (or more like how I let it change so much... hmm).

super skinny me - I wish!

So I stumbled across a UK documentary last night titled “Super-Skinny Me: Race to size zero”.

I was frightening and also intriguing at the same time.

The interesting part was the effects of extreme dieting on the body and the mind that people may not realise.  The frightening part was how I was mentally taking notes and wondering if I could cope for a week the way they are eating/exercising. I also got a little frightened when I realised how I was slightly wishing I had that much “will power” (more like insanity) to be able to starve and force myself into extreme exercising.  My only concern was how extreme dieting could affect the band.

The show (which is a 4 part doc) made me realise how much more obsessed with food & weight I have become since the band and how I now compare & judge myself a whole lot more – e.g. if I normally lost 2kg in a month I would be happy – now that makes me cry. All I ever seem to think about it what I should or shouldn’t be eating, why am I eating, how much I should be exercising, how much I’m not exercising, number on scales, number I want to lose... its ridiculous.  Deep inside I think if I have the psych consult before the band there probably would have been a few red flags.  Oh well.

Does anyone else feel the band has made them a little more obsessive about weight/food/body? Or the opposite and they now don’t have to think about food and just eat for nutrition without the mental battle?

Have a great w.end everyone – I am relaxing after a long week of work & studying and minimal sleep. Ugh!

Tired & random lightbulb moment

I.AM.SO.TIRED!  It has been a long week with a few ups & downs.

Beginning of week, I was feeling good and noticing some change in the body, keen to stick to exercising & good food.  Come Friday, hmm a little bit of a different story.  Trying to find something to wear to a formal black tie dinner and wishing I was skinnier is a drain.  Plus being busy with school & work commitments means I haven't exercised as much as I planned and now I feel like I am coming down with something. 

But don't worry... I am NOT going to let this get me down. Just going to soldier on and try to be gentle on the body by getting lots of rest and stocking up on some good vegies & fruit.  Might also do a gentle stroll this morning and perhaps weigh myself (although weighing myself on the Wii doesn't ever seem to see a change on the scales)... ummm LIGHTBULB moment....

So I can feel a change in my body, especially neck/shoulders/chest but the scales seem to be staying the same. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the past 5 weeks I have been lifting and moving boxes everyday and my muscles are growing :-)  Even though the boxes are soo mind numbing and boring, I try to think of the extra calories I burn everyday!  

Have a great weekend everyone!

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Hullo all

Well I don't really have much to say but I feel like I need to say something or I will just stop blogging completely - maybe thats a good thing.

As usual my rollercoaster of moods is on a different path again! This time its a better one though.  I have been exercising a lot more and actually enjoying it!  Maybe its because its not at the boring gym but at home playing on the Wii.  I know some people believe the Wii isn't really working out and I agree the benefit of going for a walk outside is a lot better... for them (and for anyone but anyway).  But for me, getting home and wanting to go for a walk when its 30 - 32 degrees (86 - 89.6 fahrenheit) and the humidity is still around 60%, the wanting is not there.  But coming home, turning on the Wii (and a fan) and then walking on my Wii for half hour - always at least 3000 steps, then another half hour of "aerobics" and seeing roughly how many calories I've burnt plus some yoga exercises to un-wind is the perfect 1 hour and 15 minutes for me.

Also at work we are conducting an audit and about 250 boxes of files have been coming in the past 3 weeks and now we are sending them back (will take another 4 weeks till it is complete) so my normal work day is so much more active now.  I am taping & moving at least 25 boxes a day and walking so much more.  I keep forgetting to wear a pedometer and I think I might buy one of those technical heartrate/calorie/steps etc watches to see how much I burn during the day.

Eating has been relatively good too - just watching what/how/when/why I am eating.

Apart from that I have just been working/exercising/studying and its not too bad right now :-)  I am going to work on my CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and really focus on maintaining this positiveness and learning how to better deal with the downward ride of my rollercoaster.

Peace.

Short & Sweet.

So since my last post I have been having constant urges to exercise - and I'm acting on those urges.  Exercised for an hour yesterday & today and going to stick with it.

Also I have found a perfect snack - few slices of chicken breast. Low cals, easy to eat & yummy!

same old story

Well its been a while since I have posted anything but I don’t want to post some rubbish for the sake of it... however this will probably be rubbish.
 
So went out for a lovely dinner Saturday night with my BF to celebrate our 2 years – we took some photos and I had to hold back the tears.  I honestly  just felt so disgusted with myself and it was a bit of a wakeup call. I haven’t lost much weight because I don’t exercise enough and let myself eat crap sometimes and then rationalise it.
 
I just have no motivation to go to the gym – I do some exercise at home but not enough and I just don’t care anymore.  I still let my lack of self-confidence get in the way and I need to find this mojo somehow.  At this point in time I think I just have to force myself to exercise and hope that the enjoyment and wanting to exercise follows.
 
Any motivation would be great right now – how have you gotten yourself out of the funk before?

What a week!

This week has been long. Very long. Very stressful. Very overwhelming. I have been mentally, physically & emotionally challenged this week but I am trying to see it as a personal challenge. I think if I can remain positive, acknowledge my feelings, work out what and why I am feeling the way I can do I will be able to deal with it better.

"School" (my night class) is going to be harder than I thought but I think if I work hard I will do well.  The next few months are going to be a good challenge on how to balance work/school/life together.

Also something that has really lifted my mood today (apart from massage & cleaning) is I/my blog was a topic on an American Weight Loss Surgery channel.  WOW! If anyone wants to check out the little mention the link is http://ow.ly/14fIJ.  Have a great weekend everyone - I have cleaning and studying to do!

Peace
xo

Motivation

Right now, this is my motivation (in no particular order):

- The Biggest Loser (Aust): I know that their weight loss isn't realistic and for most of them even attainable, but I can't help to be inspired & motivated by it.
- Amy & Catherine: awesome.inspiring.honest. enough said. 
- Haley Lewis (picture): host of biggest loser. She is a former olympic swimmer who has had a weight battle but is now looking so freaking fit & fine.
- Attending a beach wedding in 13 weeks.
- My best-super skinny who loves to run and eat well-friend who is visiting in 12 weeks. I haven't seen her in about a year and I want her to notice an actual difference.
- myself: I want to look back on this year and be close to goal and know I worked hard no matter what size I am or what the scales say. I don't want to feel like a "failure" anymore.

Have my first night class tomorrow - kind of nervous but excited. Next few months will be hard with getting into a decent routine and money wise but it will be worth it. I can do it. 

Control

Today has been good.

I had my work performance review which went great! Was so happy to hear such positive and encouraging feedback and even though my boss doesn't know about the band and is probably underweight (she has a few control/food issues) but I said how I really think this is going to be a hard but good year and I really want to focus on myself - work, study & fitness and she said she would support me in any possible way and reminded me to have more confidence.

Went to dentist to get the impressions for my splint - firstly she was great and explained how a lot of the facial and tension headaches are from my grinding/clenching and my splint should make a dramatic improvement and secondly I was only out of pocket $50!

So this arvo I have the worst jaw pain & headaches and probably feeling a little sorry for myself and just started to think about that old friend of mine who I no longer get to talk to - I guess this is a good time to learn how to take control of my feelings and not let myself get too down - and to try to move on from the friendship and acknowledge how much I have put it and put up with.

Oh well - I've been feeling happy & motivated today so not going to let it get me down. Shit happens and its not always my fault :-)

Happiness today is dentists & stationery!

This morning I went to the dentist - which doesn’t bother me and I know I am lucky that I don’t have dentist issues. The most I’ve had done to my teeth were getting all 4 wisdom teeth out when I was 16 which wasn’t too painful (had a bad experience with the dental practice I went too but apart from that all good).

So the lovely dentist is checking my teeth and commenting on how great they are and look like they have had orthodontic work because they are basically perfect (hahaha cmon I have to have something to brag about) and then asks me how I feel when I wake up. That reminded me to tell her how I have a sore jaw and headaches in the morning all the time the past few months and how it seems to be getting worse. Well unfortunately I am a grinder and have done some decent grinding the past few months and worn some of my teeth down, fortunately it gives me relief knowing I have a actual reason for the way I’ve been feeling lately and I have something to address this – I’m getting a splint/night mouth guard mmmmm sexy night time apparel – am I right?!

They gave me a quote for $720 (aus dollars) and even with private health cover I would have been out of pocket around $400! After some ringing around I found a nice dental place in the city (well looks nice on the net) and they gave me a quote for $466 and because they are a preferred provider with my private health fund I should only be out of pocket $94, but wait... there’s more. I mentioned where I work and since I am a social club member I get a $100 voucher to use once a year with this dental practice – WOO HOO! So really I should be out of pocket umm NOTHING! And since I was the 93rd caller for the day they are throwing in a free pair of steak knives – not really.

Also I spoke to my boss this morning about my further study and she is super excited for me and thinks it would be perfect for me and I would be great at it * big big smiles here *. Even though I would have done it without her glowing thoughts, it is really nice to have someone I admire (professionally) give me such great encouragement. So to celebrate I went and bought a really cute pencil case and some new pens and funky note pads – oh how I heart stationery.

Plus over the w.end the BF & I got into some “serious discussion” (aka fight) because we double booked ourselves for 4 things in one night – don’t ask me how because clearly we are stupid sometimes – anyway I was looking over my personal commandments and No 4 is Identify the Problem. So I was thinking about how to do this for this issue and it hit me like a ton of obvious freaking bricks – buy a calendar for us! So I bought a $3 calendar and have already filled in dates when either of us will be away, things we have already planned and some other special dates. I know how obvious this would be but I am new at the whole living with someone special and I am so excited to go home and show him our own little calendar with a pink pen for my stuff, and blue pen for his stuff and a red pen for OUR stuff – awww.
I haven’t exercised properly in forever so I am off the gym tonight and am going to weigh myself – hmm.

Up

Lately I have been feeling a little down but I feel like things are starting to look Up (and yes I feel like that grumpy old man sometimes hehe but he is so adorable awww).


I have just enrolled to do a night course so at the end of it I will have my Certificate IV in Project Management and then right after that I am starting my Advanced Diploma in Project Management.  And one of the great parts is work has verbally agreed (at this stage) to help fund my further education. Woohoo!

I am starting to feel like February is the month that I will get everything on a roll.  My knee is better and the UTI (urinary tract infection) I "got" last week is all cleared and now I feel like I can actually walk without the feeling of barbed wire on fire down there but moving on.

It's Australia Day on Tuesday (26th Jan) and I took Monday (25th) off as well so yay long weekend for me.  BF & I have decided to go for a hike tomorrow in some beautiful mountains so I shall take my camera and get my photography on and maybe post some pics of me getting my hike on (and I still need to post some pics of those nice cheap dresses I got I know).

Have a great w.end ya'll.

oopsie

Late home from work. Home alone. Forgot to take salmon out of the freezer.

Dinner was 2 hot cross buns (its not EVEN close to easter yet but damn supermarkets are selling them already) and 2 small glasses of vino.

I now feel sick. Committed absolute carbocide, sugarcide and boozacide.


Goodnight.

Gauranga

Hello all my 50 followers – woohoo :-D
 
So last night I went to part 1 of a “discovering meditation” course – I am in love. (and my BF came along and he enjoyed it too which is great).
 
It was such a welcoming, loving, open and relaxing atmosphere.  The teacher was great and he had a lot of great and interesting stuff to say about meditation.
 
First we worked on our breathing, then some mindfulness meditation (which was great because we were guided through it) and then my fave part of the evening – group mantra meditation.  Basically the dude pulled out his guitar and then played a beautiful melody whilst singing our mantra (gaur–ra–ang–ga) and then the group would sing the mantra back.  The first few group responses were a little out of time and off but once everyone was singing the mantra it was a pretty moving feeling.  I can only imagine what it would be like in an experienced group.
 
The second part of the course is next week and I already can’t wait.  This is something I want to start including in my everyday life and deeply believe it is going to be extremely beneficial to me mentally, spiritually and physically.
 
I would recommend anyone to try it (haha I am already sounding like some guru).  If anyone wants some info about it – here is the link - http://www.asm.org.au/locations/qld/brisbane/west-end/ The centre is the Australian School of Meditation & Yoga and they have centres in NSW, VIC, SA & QLD and 95% of the classes are free (donation only) so give it a go.
 
On the exercise front though – that hasn’t been too good.  I really hurt my knee about a week ago and it was super swollen and sore so the Dr said not to do any exercise for at least a week and until it feels completely fine and it now feels about 95% better so am hoping to start off tomorrow with some gentle exercise (and meditation hehe).
 
It is now 15 weeks until my (defacto)-sister-in-law gets married so I have set myself a goal for the wedding and have decided when my BF goes away for work (every 4 weeks for about 4/5 days usually) I am going to do a mini-detox & shakes for the time he is away just to keep the body refreshed and help move things along – so please send my positive vibes (or comments) my way.
 
Hope everyone has a wonderful week and if anyone ever has any Q’s please ask – I sometimes don’t know what to write about and then tend to ramble and I want my blogs to not only be meaningful/inspiring/interesting to myself but for at least 1 other person as well haha

Holidays are over...

And I am kind of glad. 
I struggle without routine and still have serious issues with self-discipline (which I talked about with my psychologist yesterday so trying to work on that) but I am glad to be going back to work because it means that when I am bored I won't have a fridge near me and I will be doing a lot more incidental exercise.


Weight loss has stopped but I haven't gained at all which I guess is a miracle considering the amount of booze and ice cream I have had but back on the fitness wagon now and I still have that new year positive "this is the year" glow so I am going to try to hold onto that for as long as I can.


I bought 2 new dresses the other day - both silk and cheap!!! First was originally $229 and down to $49 and the second was originally $249 down to $59!!! So happy and feel great in them - will take pics soon!