Happy Festivus

If you watch Seinfield you will know what festivus is.

Hope everyone had a wonderful xmas or holidays.  I had a great xmas day and loving being on holidays. I haven't been to the gym in about 3, maybe even 4 weeks but I kind of don't care which isn't too good but once I am back from my little 4 day coast trip it is straight back into it.


I have an appointment with my surgeon on the 7th which I am dreading but oh well.  No idea whether I should get a fill or not but will talk to him on the day.


I have had so much booze the past few weeks I am kind of looking forward to NYE being over and being sober.

I also bought a sarong and cute little beach skirt to go swimming in (since I can't find my boardies, which I think don't fit anyway...so if I am game I might posts some pics with my new camera :-D)

Glamour Puss

So I bought a new blouse yesterday and was a little sure whether I could pull it off but I wore it today and decided I need to at least try to flaunt it if I am going to wear it and I am SO glad I did.  

I had so many wonderful comments and one lady in particular told me I looked like some 50's glamour puss.. ahh I love her haha.  Anyway I thought I should post some pics because I know some bigger girls feel like they can't carry off "nice / special" clothing and don't make a lot of effort (I have those days) but its the days when I make a lot of effort I feel good. And just because we're bigger doesn't mean we can't look good.

Just ignore the mess and my hair - I swear it was straight and shiny this morning, 14 hours ago!

My 2010 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Here are my NYR... Please share yours!

1. I am going to lose a minimum of 2 kg every month by:
- Exercising whenever I can (at least 4 times a week)
- Keeping a food journal
- Eating more fruit & vegetables everyday

2. I am going to save enough money to buy a house or travel overseas by:
- Bringing my lunch to work 9 times a fortnight
- Cutting back on morning coffee – only buy on Monday, Wednesday & Friday (then eventually Monday & Friday only)
- Following a weekly dinner menu
- Only buying clothes if I have the money in my normal account – no credit card purchases
- Moving any left-over fortnightly pay to paying off my loan

3. I am going to learn and incorporate meditation into my life by:
- Read a book about meditation by 25 January 2010
- Attend a free workshop in January
- Start practising meditation/quiet time at least once a week

4. I will become more positive by:
- Writing in my gratitude journal every day (3 entries)
- Focus on putting positive thoughts into the universe – working on CBT

Resolutions?

Hi everyone

The past few days have been pretty busy with work, BFs birthday & Christmas shopping (all done, I think...) but I’ve somehow managed to sit down and really think about some New Years Resolutions and whether in fact I was going to make any. Every year I make the “lose weight” resolution but never sit down and work out how I am going to do it. Well I found a great article about NYR (new year resolutions) and how to make good NYR which you will be able to stick to. So here are her tips...

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?” It might having more of something good – more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad – less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right – more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to make someone else happier.

2. Ask: “What is a concrete action that would bring about change?” One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” “Enjoy now,” are resolutions that are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. “Distract myself with fun music when I’m feeling gloomy,” “Watch at least one movie each week,” “Buy a lovely plant for my desk” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?” Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that dance class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Or maybe you respond well to “no.” That’s my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don’t really want to do. There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough?” Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don’t resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

5. Ask: “How am I going to hold myself accountable?” Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions. That’s why groups like AA and Weight Watchers are effective, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. Accountability is why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it’s hard to measure whether you’ve been keeping it. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

So after reading her tips I made my resolutions and a plan for each one which I will post in a separate post.

I actually feel optimistic about my resolutions and believe I can do it  (and I won’t lie, there is a little grey cloud trying to hang around but I am doing my best to tell him to buzz off).


xo

Feeling a little spiritual perhaps?

Hello again everyone

So since my quite off-putting vent yesterday, I have had a lot of time to re-think and evaluate myself and my current life. I’ve said it numerous times before I am sure, but I don’t want the band to lead my life yet it is. I feel that since the band I am more self-conscious, self-critical and unhappy about myself (umm could I say self enough?).

I’ve started to think that blogging solely about the band may in fact be a little detrimental to my mental sanity. There is so much more in my life that I need to focus on and being skinny may not make me happy and more importantly, I shouldn’t let being skinny or not define my happiness (and let’s face it, being skinny could be a little while off). So I am going to try to steer my blog in a different direction and it will be a mixture of every-day life, happiness, the band and who knows, I might just go back to blogging about the band only - we'll see how long this happiness thing lasts.

Well 2010 is not far around the corner and I think I might make some resolutions, goals, dreams – whatever you want to call them – and do them.
I have also devised my own Personal 10 Commandments which I have printed and placed on my visualisation board (which will be getting a makeover during my holidays and I will take some photos of). So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my Personal 10 Commandments....

 1. Be Myself & Love Myself
Okay so this is a fairly obvious, unoriginal commandment but I think it will be one of the hardest. Just as I must “Be Myself” and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. I need to appreciate what I have, who I am and focus on the good things.

2. Do or Do Not
No more procrastinating, beating myself up or being unsure of myself. I will do something or I won’t.

3. Act How I Want To Feel
Most people probably think they do this already but I know personally, I actually tend to feel because of how I acted e.g. I feel guilty because I haven’t been to the gym. So the only way to feel non-guilty is to actually act and go to the gym. I feel unattractive in what I am wearing (firstly put something on you feel semi-decent in at least) and then act as if you are the hottest thing to walk planet earth since sliced bread. Eventually your feelings will catch up to your actions and you will feel hot and better about yourself.

4. Identify The Problem
If there is a problem or something I am not happy with I need to identify what it is and find the solution e.g. Problem: Weight; Solution: Exercise and eat better. This is a long-term problem but it I think is a good example because it leads me to Act How I Want To Feel – if I want to feel better about my weight I need to act upon it and do something about it, which then leads to Do or Do Not – do go to the gym or don’t and that then leads to Love Myself – no matter if I choose the gym or not, I need to accept my choice, appreciate myself and focus on something positive.

5. Remain Positive
No matter how bad I think it might be – someone out there has it worse. I need to find a positive every day and remember to put positive out in to the universe.

6. Let It Go/Keep Moving Forward
Sometimes I need to ask myself – In the long run will this matter? In the short run will this really matter? Things happen, mistakes are made and if I made it, learn from it , move on and let it go.

7. Don’t live in fear
If I am worried/scared about something I need to ask myself - what is the worst thing that could happen? Most likely nothing all that bad will actually happen so don’t let it stop you from doing something.

8. Does It Matter?
Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. Who cares what the random person on the street thinks of me or how I look – they don’t matter to me.

9. Care
Take care in myself, my house, my work and my life. Basically just look after myself and take some time out for me on a regular basis!

10. Do My Best
I want to be able to look back at my life and know that I did my best in every aspect.

These are going to be a daily guide as to how I want to live my life and how I think will help better myself and my own negative thoughts. I think lots (if not all) of those commandments are easily transferrable to the band part of my life.

2010 is going to be my year. My BF & I have our house for the whole year and there is nothing I can see that can really get in the way (like trying to find a job, moving house etc). 2010 will be a hard-work year. Working on losing weight, saving money and being happy. But that’s okay because it will be worth it and 2011 will be the reward year hehe.

xo

Amy – I don’t have scales at my house so I’m not exactly sure what I weigh at the moment but I started off 237.8 pounds (107.9kg) and 2 weeks ago I weighed 212.7 pounds (96.5kg) so that is a loss of 25 pounds in 1 year.

Lost the Plot (Warning: crazy depressing vent post)

Pre-preface(2.34pm) – So again I took some time away from this post and during my lunch break went shopping.
Firstly I saw a girl with some burns all over her arm and I instantly realised I don’t have it that bad. I saw people who were bigger than me, shorter than me and different to me. I also tried on some clothes which I felt good in and didn’t care about the size (too much, it still annoys me that in one brand I am a size 14 but in another I could be a size 18?!). Anyways my mood lifted a little and I need to focus on the fact that I’m really not that bad and sometimes in the right light and fabric I can look half-decent, even pretty ha ha.

Preface (12.45pm) – okay peeps, I wrote this at work a few hours ago, let it breathe and have now come back to review it. Umm wowsers it is a little all over the place and slightly depressing and I wasn’t going to post it but I decided I will. Majority of the blogs I read are all wonderful uplifting and inspiring stories about the band and the people are amazing and seem to have so much motivation but I realised this is my blog, my band, my story and it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t love my band and that’s okay because it’s the truth. Anyway... read at your own risk :-)

11.30am
The past two weeks have been a bit of a struggle. I find when I am sick I now either eat nothing or eat everything and last week I seemed to eat everything (although when I really think about it, it was nothing compared to the amount I could have eaten pre-band) but there was lots of sugar, chocolate & alcohol (damn birthday).

And I can’t remember the last time I was at the gym or walked to work.

Plus my emotions have been a little crazy. I’ve just been feeling so down and overwhelmed the past few days I could just start crying whenever.

Oh this blog post is a mess. I feel like I am a mess. I really struggle with being positive and trying not to let me slow weight loss get to me but it really does in a big big way. Looking back my mind was never ready.

I didn’t go to any seminars or actually talk face-to-face with anyone just read the great wonderful fast weight-loss stories on the net and dreamt of being 60kg. Off to the Dr I go.

My Dr spent 10 mins with me, told me how I could be a size 8 and then gave me an op date and a discounted price (my mumushka works with him).

No psych consult. No shakes. No hesitations.

I then heard the not so great & fast weight-loss stories about people who had only lost 10kg over 3 years since banding or who have stayed the same (of course I don’t know what, when, how, why the eat etc but none of that matters in my head) and my mind instantly though “What if I fail at the band?”.

When I told my GP I was getting a band she questioned and suggested I try some medication before the band.

Hmm is this really for me?

The ward nurse (just before my op) didn’t believe me when I told her I was getting a band – she said I was too small.

Hmm is this really for me? What if I fail the band?

The theatre nurse in recovery just before my op asked me why I was getting a band when I didn’t need one.

What if I fail the band?

Then I wake up with a band and I am hungry hours later (logically of course I am going to be fucking hungry, I haven’t eaten or had any water for around 14 god damn hours!) – I’m already failing at the band.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

That’s all I seem to think about in regards to myself and the band, actually no myself in general but that’s a whole other story.

I know next week or even tomorrow my head will be okay and I also know that the weeks when I don’t think about it all, just do it are the weeks when I actually lose a decent amount but I am so sick of the yo-yo merry-go-round at the moment.

I’m going to book an appointment with my Dr for the new year and be open about how much I PB (almost every meal) and how some days I hate what is inside me and regret it and cry about it but I have it so help me (oh just realised I haven’t seen him in about 6 mths so he will probably be expecting me to be around 10kg lighter HAHAHA he will be disappointed).

Double fuck – it is 1year today year since banding and I am no-where, absolutely no-where close to my goal or how I imagined how I would feel.

No wonder I have been feeling shit the past few days, maybe subconsciously I was already aware of the looming “band-fucking-iversary”.

I’m sorry to all the wonderful people who read my blog, who sometimes comment and are having a wonderful time with your bands – this is a pretty downer post. I envy you so much it hurts sometimes.

Okay its now 4.44pm and I am feeling a lot "I can do this but it just takes time and perhaps small steps" instead of "I hate myself, my band, I suck at everything and I'm still fat".

I hope I haven't scared anyone.

stepping forwards

Hey everyone

Just a boring post today - I have nothing to talk about really but feel like I should post something.

Come down with some sort of throat/head cold this week so haven't exercised at all! So bad I know but I have no energy and my head feels like it is about to explode. As a result I really doubt I will make (or come close) to my NYE goal.

Oh well, I am slowly getting better at not beating myself up and maybe my style is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. So I am just dusting myself off and making sure that when I am stepping forward it is a mighty fierce hard step and when its backwards I am still doing my best at that point in time :-)

Its my birthday tomorrow and I am actually kind of excited, I HATE my own birthdays normally so hopefully it won't be too painful hehe.

Wicked.

So this weekend I flew down to Sydney with my mum on Friday morning to hang out and see Wicked.


AMAZING!



Oh my freaking gawd I loved it. If you can get to Sydney (apparently it won't be touring the rest of Aust) you must see it. The lead female's talents are just breathtaking. It's such a beautiful, sad and funny story. I could go on and on about how unbelievable it is. I am going to go back to Sydney to see it again, that's how incredible it was.

I downloaded the album on my iPhone straight after haha.

Oh and I just ate so much sugar over the past 2 days simply because my body is exhausted but what can you do. Back on the wagon now, yeeha!

confidence

Confidence.... he has it!

This week (ha it's only been two days) I have struggled. With exercising and eating. I am just so tired and run down at the moment and I know my body is starting to cave in so lots of water & vitamins for me - just need more sleep. I really don't want to get sick.

Does anyone have some good "pick me ups"?

On a roll

Hey everyone!

Hope everyone had or has a good weekend.

My week was long but paid off in the end. Exercise wise, the past week I chose to:
Monday - circuit at gym
Tuesday - walking to and from work
Wednesday - walk to work and gym
Thursday - netball - I was WA for 3 quarters so lots of running :-)
Friday - does having 2 cosmos after work count?
Saturday - celebrated my nanas 75th birthday but was on my feet a lot of the day
Sunday (today) - go for a walk this afternoon, maybe

So I had my weigh-in on Saturday morning..... 1.1kg lost for the week :-) thats 2.4 pounds gone woohooo! Really motivates me and really shows the proof is in the pudding... mmm pudding lol no but seriously I finally feel like things are looking up and starting to work and I know that if I don't lose weight - I need to look hard at how much exercise I am doing (or most likely not doing) and what I am eating.

So if anyone struggles with the band or slow weight loss and feeling like a failure. Just take a step back and start from scratch. Forget how long you have had the band before, every day is a new day and start all over again whenever you need to.

Peace
xo

This Week I Chose To...

This week I chose to do this:

Monday - Walk to work (25mins) and gym circut
Tuesday - Same as Monday
Wednesday - Walk to and from work + gym circut
Thursday - Walk to work + netball
Friday - Gum session: 15mins walking on treadmill, 15mins on bike, 5 mins on x-trainer and 10mins on the x-ramp. Felt great working out on a Friday night.
Saturday - rest day and weigh in - down 1.5kg - woohooo felt great!
Sunday (today) - gentle stroll around park with the boy for a few hours and also getting burnt on the city cat (ferry that goes up and down the river) but I had a NSV (non scale victory)... drum roll please.... ... ... ... I took my cardigan off on the city cat for about 15mins and showed my arms!

Yes people as pathetic as that may sound, the last time I showed my arms in public was my yr 12 formal (prom) in 2004. I completely hate my arms and find them repulsive so having them naked was a pretty big step for me.

Feeling good knowing my hard work does pay off so I will choose to work hard again this week and keep eating really super healthy.

Have a great week everyone.

My kind of workout...

PS - this is how I feel sometimes hehe

PPS - I want her leotard.

Recently I read a post from the wonderful Beth (Who Hid the Donuts?) about how saying you will “try” to do something is allowing yourself to fail because if you say you will try do something and don’t do it.. doesn’t matter because you tried right?1

I am currently reading a book by this amazingly funny author (Jen Lancaster people – read her shiz!) called “Such a Pretty Fat”. It is a memoir of her losing weight and she has touched on the whole trying issue. Someone told her or she read somewhere this awesome statement which I am now adopting.

DO or DO NOT.
THERE IS NO TRY.

DO OR DO NOT.
TODAY I CHOOSE DO.

Agghhh so inspiring, real, deep and so freaking simple!

I’m going to stop having this internal battle with myself about how much I should exercise even if I feel like crap and have a migraine or what I should and shouldn’t eat and then feel guilty all day about it. It’s simple – I will choose to DO the gym or NOT DO the gym. TO eat some chocolate or NOT TO eat some chocolate. I am also going to become a lot more accountable for my weight loss (or lack thereof).

What else is happening…

The BF & I have chosen to have 5 carb free nights a week and really focus on good healthy eating (which really should be a must but we always come up with excuses) and its great that he is really focussed and keeps me in line.

I chose to walk to work which was great – 3945 steps and 22mins – I am getting faster :-)
I love how I feel after exercising – lighter, toned-er and thinner! Such a great way to start the day and I get into work a little early which always looks good right..


1 – Just want to say that sometimes trying is completely acceptable. Like I will try not to get too pissed at the wedding on Saturday or I will try and save as much money as I can etc etc because sometimes shit happens and funks things up in life and gets in the way of a plan and other times trying is the first step in the right direction (especially when you have been in that direction before but somehow fell off the wagon and trying to get back on it).

falling rollercoaster

I feel as I approach my 1 yr since the band my motivation, happiness, proudness and encouragement is falling. I was heading up on the roller coaster but now I worry it starting to fall, fast.

I'm honestly really unhappy and ashamed of what little I have lost but i am trying to remember that at least I have lost. I so desperately want to achieve my nye goal! ughh positive thoughts and lots of exercise is in order.

have a great wend ya'll
struggling

Deep Breaths

*breathe in – breathe out – breathe in – breathe out*

So that ex-bestfriend who no longer talks to me – I just saw her.

She had her back to me and was kind of starting to turn around and I just walked right past her into a store – which I hid in for about 5mins trying not to vomit with my heart beating out of my chest – then I ventured out to actually try to find her but she was gone.

So stupid me just emailed her and I regret it now. I am so disappointed in myself for letting this still get to me and apart of me wishes I went up to try to talk to her to see how she reacted. I guess if she doesn’t email me back then I know and next time I see her – I can walk right past without wondering if she saw me or how she would react because I do not need or deserve this in my life and its time for me to really move on.

But on a positive note I have been working my butt off again this week J The gym I go to – they weigh you 3 times a week (if you want) and I lost 300g between Monday night and Wednesday night J hoping to fit in a quick work out tonight before my weigh in tomorrow morning – which is the weigh I take most notice of – I really want to see a good shift.

I’m feeling pretty good mentally lately and really hope it stays like this for a while. I now have 40 followers woohoo! If you follow and actually read this blog please say hi or ask any Q’s – sometimes I don’t know if people actually care what I am blabbing about or something.

xo

Good week

Last week was a good week. Why you ask? Because….

1. I worked out 6 times!
Monday – 30min circuit @ gym (“circuit”)

Tuesday – 30min walk TO and FROM work + circuit

Wednesday – same as Tuesday

Thursday – 25min walk to work (same distance, just getting faster) + netball – first game back since not playing for 3 weeks

Saturday – circuit

Sunday – 45min med paced stroll with my BF (included some hills)

2. Weight loss

I lost 1.2kg!! However, I weighed myself Wednesday NIGHT and then Saturday MORNING so of course it probably isn’t that much but still seeing a loss on the scaled gave me a good mental boost. I am weighing again on Saturday morning so that will definitely count.

3. Good “mind appointment”

So another good session with the psychologist on Saturday J She is super supportive & understanding.

4. D&M with the BF

The BF & I had a good D&M and worked some stuff out and things can only ever improve.



Overall just feeling good about myself :-)

crap

gained 3kg since my fall! yes I was weighed at nigt after my workout but it is so completely depressing :-( just so over it!

back on track

Well even after my last post I felt better instantly.  I think venting, letting go and knowing other people are feeling the same is just a massive brain release by itself but I was also looking at myself in the mirror differently – noticing and actually ACKNOWLEDGING my body has, is and will keep changing for the better and I really need to be easier on myself.
 
I saw my psychologist on Sunday and I am in love haha its just so good to be able to talk to a unbiased third party and have their open honest non-judgmental understanding opinion and I actually take notice of it (of course when friends/bf tell me the same thing I listen but I just think to myself “they’re just saying that because they’re a friend”) anyway what she says is so simple and its exactly what I would say to a friend but again its because she isn’t a friend.   Plus she challenges me (in a good way) and is super nice.  So although my credit card absolutely loathes me after seeing her ($185 for 50mins is a bit ridiculous, right?) I don’t care because I think I really need her for the time being.
 
Also,  Beth posted a great post last week about “trying” and how basically saying trying to yourself leaves the door open to not-trying and it really hit a nerve because that’s exactly what I do.  I “try” to exercise more this week, I “try” to eat better, I “try” to think positively and when it doesn’t work or I don’t get the results I get upset because I “tried” which means I did jack all but I “tried” so that’s enough right? WRONG!  This week I WILL get back to the gym (Dr said its all okay not, just don’t do weights above my head in case I drop them on my head lol) and I will think better about myself and I will eat better food for my body and I will get enough sleep, which is one of my biggest issues.
 
Anyway feeling like I am back on track and my mind and body are starting to sync once more.
 
One last thing - thanks to everyone who posts a comment – it is so comforting knowing people a) feel the same as me; b) read my blog and possibly think thank god I’m not the only one and c) actually read my blog and use their time/energy to post J so THANK YOU!
 
Oh and I am going to get back to keeping a food & exercise diary which I think I will write down and post at the end of the week!

100th post, slightly depressing sorry

So 100th post (not including the other food/exercise blog I have but never use) and its not a milestone or exciting at all.

I still hate my body, have only lost 10-13kg (haven't weighed myself in about 3 weeks since I fe knocked myself out) since December and its my fault because I don't exercise enough and eat shit too often and subconsciously I don't believe I deserve to be skinny which = happiness and I am too scared of changing and what people will think of me (even if I change for the better?).

As you can tell clearly my head isn't in a good place. I am actually looking forward to seeing the psychologist on Saturday.

I am trying to visualise and do all the positive affirmations but I don't believe them :-(

At the point of giving up, letting go and dealing with the fact maybe I will just be fat forever and I failed.

Ughhhhh hate this feeling.

Umm

Well I went to the psychologist on Saturday morning and I am so glad I did it :-)

Obviously since it was the first sesh it wasn't very deep or full on but we did talk about some interesting stuff and I really think it is going to help me.

Physically I am feeling below average. Went back today and I have post-concussive syndrome which is basically all the symptoms of a concussion which can last from a few days to weeks to months. Headaches, nauseousness, dizziness and blurry vision as well as lots of trouble concentrating and can make you irritable and emotional.. well I've cried twice today so yes think I am feeling a tad emotional. Also not exercising doesn't help and I am feeling really sluggish but told not to do any exercise for at least this week and just rest. I am scared of the scales and goal I had before x-mas. My goal was 10kg by xmas if I work hard, I might drop it down to 5 - 7kg if I still work hard. I want this. I will get this.

Positive vibes please people (or even words).

What a week!

Well I have had a hell of a week.

Started off Monday okay but Monday night BF and I got into some serious fight at 10pm. About 11.30pm we had sorted it out, made up, had a D&M and I was half asleep. Was. BF decided to wake me up to tell me he thinks I need to talk to someone about my anxiety issues that I have and some stuff that happened in the past. I lost it. I absolutely bawled my eyes out for about 2 hours and I couldn't stop or control it. Now I realise it was probably shock and exhaustion plus absolute surprise. I guess I have always known I have had some anxiety issues and relationships with some family members are strained at the best of times but it was such a shock to hear someone else say it. I thought I was so good at keeping my anxiety to myself etc but I guess living with someone, they get to completely know you.

So Tuesday I didn't go to work because my face was so puffy from all the crying. Yes puffy, my lips, nose, eyes were all extremely puffy and my face had a nice puff to it. My BF thought it was some sort of allergic reaction but no just crying face. I think my brain also needed a day to process itself and possibly face the demons and consider talking to someone. So after much researching, soul searching and talking to my mumushka - I have an appointment with a pscyhologist on Saturday morning - I figure it can't hurt right?!

So Wednesday day morning after a good sleep, feeling happy and confident with my decision I am off to work and then I fall down our internal stairs.. all 20 of them. rolling ass over head down them all. And they are not straight either, they curve around a wall. So for some reason I think I am ok to go to work, convince my BF I am fine, just head ache and several bruises. He tries to take me to the Dr but I refuse so he drives me to work and as soon as I get there I know it was a mistake. My knee is swollen & cut and my neck and back are starting to ache. About 11am I start feeling nauseous so luckily get an appointment with a Dr next to my work straight away. Concussion. Sent to hospital for scans and spent a few hours under obs not being allowed to sleep.. when all I wanted to do was sleep. Anyway home now, still feel a little tired with some nice purple bruises but all okay.

So I was eating ice-cream and watching Oprah and Star Jones was on. For those who don't know her basically she was a morbidly obese woman who was on the view (and some other stuff) but had gastric bypass and kept it a "secret" for a few years - well she wouldn't publicly acknowledge the surgery - anyway she really opened up and was talking about while her body was going through therapy (losing weight, gaining confidence, getting healthy etc) her mind was still stuck and it wasn't until therapy her mind really caught up with her body (and she admitted she still had fat-mind days). Anyway I guess her story inspired me and I really think talking to someone might really help me and maybe as a bonus, help my lack of weight loss which is really getting me down lately.

Well have a good weekend everyone - I will try not to walk into any walls or fall down some stairs again!

Sabotage

Ugh feeling that old negative body-hating mind frame again. Being sick and putting on weight has just really got me down. I have eaten crap today and just don't care at the moment.

I'm sick of feeling like a band failure :-(

Positive vibes and words please peeps lol

Fuck.

Gained 1.4kg since Wednesday morning.

Yes my body is always around 1kg heavier at night
Yes I have been sick and hardly ate for 3 days
Yes when your body is sick it holds onto fluid & fat

But it is still super fucking depressing! I get into a good routine, losing good amounts of weight and then wham get sick out of nowhere grrr!

Oh well going to really try to get rid of that sickness weight and hopefully I'll be where I was last Wednesday by Saturday morning?! (I get weighed Monday & Wednesday nights and Saturday morning at my gym).

haha don't worry Debi - I don't think you show twice :-) and if you do, no probs, looks like more people actually "follow" this blog!

tracey

Tracey - I made a comment to your question a week or so ago and luckily a friend pointed out an error.

I was 109.8kg when I was banded in dec and when I replied to ur question I wrote 106.? instead of 96.?. last time I weighed I was 95.6kg but that was thurs morn after not eating for 2 days because of flu. I get weighed tonight so hopefully haven't put too much on.

Nervous

So after being sick with the damn cold for a few days and having no urge to eat then my friend's wedding on Friday where I drank my weight in booze and then dinner party I had last night with a to die for chocolate tart I am a little scared getting weighed tomorrow night.

My last weigh in on Wednesday morning was great and I had already beaten my weekly goal but I was sick and it was morning after wee and before food. Oh well since I am feeling about 90% better I will just have to work off any extra booze weight this week.

Positive thoughts peeps!

:-)

I've lost 1/2 a kg since Saturday morning! feeling fanfuckingtastic

A is for Apetite

I have an apetite and its great!

I love being able to eat something for breakfast and start the day off. I used to never eat breakfast and then loved it and I have completely struggled without it since the band.

I am still loving myself sick with my decision to not have any fills for a while and do it my way. I like being able to eat wholesome foods and not worry about what when how why I am eating and just eating. Even a few special treats this week but I lost 1kg this week so pretty happy with myself.

Next week I really want to push myself when it comes to eating, push myself to eat really well until Friday - it's my friends wedding on Friday and I don't want that to blow the weight loss.

Anyway better get ready for my romantical dinner with my wonderful bf - seafood at Sheraton on the gold coast (only 30min drive which is nice). It is a buffet so really need to control myself but I just stick to prawns, crab and some oysters - ahhh its so fresh and beautiful. Love it!

Oh tracey when I was banded in Dec last year I was 108.9kg and I am now 106.4kg.

It's over for now.

So I have decided to have a break from the band. We’re going to try and be friends and see how that goes for a few months.

Last week I went to see my Dr for the usual check up and fill and as usual I wasn’t looking forward to it and didn’t want a fill but knew he would probably make me. So after working through my lunch break so I could leave work, driving for 45mins in peak hour (a trip that normally takes 25mins in peak hour but due to 2 accidents it took forever) and with a migraine the whole time, I finally got to his office.
Closed. Light off. Nobody home.
On my way there, mum called and I told I was going to see him and she said oh his assistant must be doing fills because Dr H has a list today and he is running late (my mumushka is a theatre nurse where my Dr works). Stupid me should have called but I had the email his receptionist sent me with the date & time of my appointment.

So driving home I was pretty unhappy. Crying with the urge of punching something (or someone) and relief at the same time.

I haven’t had the easiest time with my band and it has always been a love/hate relationship. Maybe if I had lost a lot of weight quickly, it would outweigh (haha) the negatives but I haven’t so it doesn’t.
It frustrates the hell out of me when my Dr tells me that I am a “small” patient and its harder because I weigh less but then goes “hmm is that all” when I have a small weight loss?

So after my frustrating, waste of time appointment I decided to have a break from my band. Things haven’t been working out and I’ve been feeling this way for a while. I spoke to one of my Dr’s nurses the next day and she was completely understanding, even to the point of telling me it sounded like the right idea and I was being very mature about it all (she is my FAVOURITE nurse)! Instantly I felt better and I think the band & I are going to be okay.

I just want to concentrate on really eating well (getting in decent filling nutritious food) and working my butt off. I love my new hybrid gym (contours & weight watchers mixed together). I went in on Saturday morning for my work out and weigh in. I didn’t have that usual hatred of weighing in and judgement but just thought, if I’m not happy well there is a reason for that so just try harder next week. Anyway I was happy. 1.2kg loss in 1 week :-) I was on a high. I am pretty sure that is my biggest loss in a week since the band. My workout was good and I felt great.
I went shopping on Saturday, tried on a size 14 dress from Cue and it fits! AND I didn’t feel completely disgusted looking in the mirrors, I actually acknowledged my wobbly bits (hello Mr Wobbly, I have seen you around at events for years but never introduced myself, I’m Maddie, Oh and this is bootyfull butt, my getting-toned-thighs and shrinking stomach). The mental change was great and then I ran into a family friend who knows about the band and she commented I looked good, I told her about the loss I had and the first thing she said was “does the gym know you have the band? Its probably not fair if they don’t know”. Well I very bluntly told her that I worked out 5 times that week and that I had been watching what I was eating and that it wasn’t the band doing all that but me. That shut her up.

Anyways apart from just feeling good and wanting to blog about it, I guess I also wanted to say to anyone else who might struggle with the band sometimes or all the time that it is okay and everyone really is different and you can’t compare yourself to them and just do what you feel is best for your mind & body.

Happiness.

So the past week has been a good happy one :-)

Gymed 3 times, walked 2.8kms 2 times and played netball! Now for those who know netball, I usually play GS. A pretty low key position when it comes to moving around. Well this games I played GS then GA for other 3 quarters and it was hard but fuck I felt good after (except for when I got smashed in the nose and had a nice swollen blue nose for a few days) but feeling really good.

So I joined a new gym which I'm feeling great about (it has only been 1 week though). It's kind of like a curves (female only circuit training) mixed in with Weight Watchers). They weigh you twice a week, you talk with a weight/food/mind consultant twice a week, they also do your measurements once a month and have some really good motivation tools and challenges. So I went yesterday morning and apparently lost 700g in 4 days yay!

Hope everyone is having a good weekend - I have been having a great one.

Things I am grateful for:
1 - my family
2 - my loving supportive bf
3 - our adorable little town house we are turning into a home
4 - a job!
5 - happiness

xo

Weekend Fun

Hi Everyone

So this weekend has been great. It was my friend's hens night on Saturday and I had a massage booked Sat morning so after I thought I would have a little bit of a shop.

Bought myself this beautiful size 14 dress from Witchery (I'm no where near a size 14 pants and sizing is all over the place but I am sticking to witchery for dresses and skirts because they fit and look good AND even if size 14 in Witchery = size 16 or 18 in other stores, I don't care, the mental happiness and positveness I get from buying a size 14 is worth it). Anyway been eyeing this dress off for a while but never tried it on because I never though it would fit, I also bought this cute little casual dress as well. Only problem is sleeves. I DO NOT show my arms. I absolutely loathe them and find them utterly disgusting so everything I own has sleeves or I wear a cardi or jacket.. which makes it very uncomfortable in summer time but I'm going to work on my arms.

Also got my nails done at a little asian nail place but for $20 they look good. I am a serial nail biter but at the moment they are looking decent and having my nails done makes me feel so pretty and nicely groomed. Want to stick to it.

Also went out to dinner last night for my brother's birthday. Went to Mecca Bah. Mmmm my favourite place! It's a mix of turkish & morroccan food but I only had a mouthful of chicken and a few mouthfuls of brown rice and tabouleh, however, I drank SO much last night so there was probably a lot of calories.. oh well it was so worth it.

Almost exercised everyday this week, was sent to Sydney for work unexpectedly but I did a fair amount of walking on Friday and all weekend so not too worried. I have noticed a change in my body from just walking for an hour everyday but this week I am going to try to increase the exercise with some pilates & weights at night.

Feeling good (mentally) at the moment and that is my biggest battle half the time. Physically, well after 4 tequilla shots, about 6 hawian margaritas, 2 vodka & sodas and a few champanges, I'm feeling pretty damn seedy hehe

Hopefully I have some decent looking pics of myself and will post some new ones soon :-)

...

Hi anyone still reading this

Haven't been on in a while or even writing anything midly interesting but I guess my mind has been on other things, more important than the band... * gasp * haha yes my band isn't my no.1 thing in my life.. maybe it should be.

But every day last week I walked an hour, I walk 30mins in the morning to work and 30mins after work, along the river and over this great bridge with the sunshine in my face and I am loving it! It's 2.8km and I would love to be able to jog at least one trip by my birthday.

I also borrowed The Gabriel Method from the library - some may know about this book.. another weight loss book. But its more than that. Its a really simple, scientific, mental & emotional approach to weight loss and WHY you are fat, scientifically and I think its really helping my mind frame, which is my biggest trouble lately. I am letting everything get to me, scales, clothes, food.. just beating myself up but I am getting better.

If anyone is reading this, please let me know, I enjoy blogging (most of the time) but am losing the motivation these days.

Why hello there...

Hey everyone

Well been offline while I move in with the BF - going great already :-)

Weight wise I don't know.. the scales haven't seemed to change at all the past month or so but I have to wake up and be honest. I am not putting any effort in. Sure I am eating well but I'm just not exercising at all and could probably cut back on some of the sweets.

I had a little break down with my band doctor and he was suprisingly really comforting and reassuring.

I have unpacked and settled and now have no more excuses and today in a fit of enthusiasm I bought some tights and slip on runner type shoes and walked 30mins (to a bus station) and I am aiming to do that at least either to or from work every day (maybe even both ways if I feel like it).

I am also reading a really good book all about getting the mind frame right so everyone please send me positive weight-losing vibes hehe

Hope everyone else is going well.

Heyo

Well I haven't blogged in a while and I think I might take a little break.

I'm moving out with my boyfriend next week so I'm just going to focus on eating well and exercising as much as I can.

Hope everyone remains happy and well.

Talk soon.
xo

KMF!

Well I am still feeling blah and down in this funk but enough is enough! I need to KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

It is exactly 10 weeks until my friend's wedding and I am going to lose 10kg by then. I've got my own steps/action plan. Here it is:

1. I am going to get my mum to hide the scales and forget about them. I don't need them making me feel bad about myself.

2. Getting back to basics. I'm freezing my gym membership, I don't enjoy it and won't go if I don't enjoy it. Going to start walking during my lunch breaks and home from the train station and only do fun exercise.

3. Walk and/or do Wii Fit for at least 45mins 4 to 5 times a week.

4. Go to weight watcher meetings weekly or at least fortnightly for the next month or two. They have helped me before and there is a local one that is a 25min walk there so I can walk there and back :-)

I figure if I just do it and put the mental crap out of my mind and move on from it, my mind will be forced to be positive.

I know some people might be like well duh just do it, but its never as easy as that. But I seemed to have some sort of epiphany and its like "just do it" forget the mind shit and the scales. It's simple equation. Eating less + moving more = hot ass! hahaha.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Maddie
xo

Blah... Still.

Okay so I am still down in this crappy blah funk.

I hate the scales. Absolutely hate them. I hate how they control and determine my outlook for the day (yes don't say "oh well don't let it get to you or don't look at it") but I do weigh myself every day and it does get me down. Really down sometimes.

It just seems there is always 1 or 2 things in your life that isn't how you want it.
Work is good. Past the new person phase and already getting annoyed with things ha.
Money is good. Well will be soon. Consolidating some debt and will have it paid off sensibly over time and still have all my savings plus more.
Boyfriend is great. We've bought some furniture and whitegoods and getting serious about finding a place. Been looking for hours the past few weekends but haven't been fighting about it much and we are both excited to be making the next big step.
Friends are normal-ish. Everyone is going well, meeting up with some old acquantainces soon and need to put myself out there with my friends but I am missing one of my old besties (who pushed me away and cut me off for no reason). When something good or bad happens I just want to tell her, and my BF lives literally a 1 min drive from her house so I pass her street every weekend about 8 times and its hard.

Last but not least - weight. It seems to be sitting at the same amount and I hate it. I keep comparing myself to others which I know I shouldn't do but I do. I;m going to talk to a dietician next week. A friend of mine is studying to be a nutrionist/dietician and I was talking to her and she said I may not be eating enough kJs to lose weight and might be eating too many for starvation mode (so I'm sitting in between and my body is just holding onto the minimal kJs I am eating in case it doesn't get anymore) - so she enouraged me to talk to my Dr's dietician.

Anyways that's enough whinging negative nancy crap. I am going to sit down tonight and think of some Non Scale Victories (NSV) and other positives that don't involve 1 fucking number and post them tomorrow and print them off to have on my visualisation board.

Hope everyone else is feeling and going a little better than me. Oh I am going to an engagement party this weekend so will post some new pics of me. The scales may not be changing but I personally think my body shape certainly is.

Maddie
xo

Blah!

So this has been a massive blah week. feeling pretty low about myself and everything. Damn freaking scales :-(

SCREW.THE.SCALES.

Ugh I hate the scales this week. Apparently I have gained weight. I know my body fluctuates a lot and I'm due for my period sometime in the next week or so but I hate the scales jumping and as much as I say it shouldn't matter and not affect me - it freaking does. Been feeling fat all week and I am sick of this slow weight loss shit.

Just wanted to rant and have a sook about my fat days :-(

xo

Lets Get Physical... Physical!

So this week I have been to the gym 4 times :-)

Monday - 30mins x-trainer
Tuesday - 35mins x-trainer
Thursday - 40mins x-trainer
Saturday - 30mins x-trainer and 15mins bike

Soon I will look like this:

haha okay maybe not soon and maybe as never buff as her but her body is amazing and a massive motivation.

My eating has been good - the past few days I feel like I am hungry all the time - I think its the cold weather and I'm pretty sure I am due for my period soon so I know that makes a difference.

As for the scales - have barely moved but I know my body is changing and getting smaller. I think I will take my measurements again soon and compare (maybe after next week after I have had 2 decent exercise weeks). I am really hoping the scales start shifting too, I know its not all about the scales but thats the only measurement my Dr takes and people are so dependent on that stupid "significant" number on the scale so its hard not to ignore it.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

xo

Feeling Good.

Hey everyone!

Just popping in to say feeling good at the moment - another puzzle piece is about to slot in! Gymed it 3 days in a row now and actually enjoying it. I have a little mini-goal this month before my next visit to the Dr so working towards that - I really want it.

xo

Heyo!

Hello peeps.

Had a good weekend in general and food wise. Boyfriend and I have started looking at places to rent (few domestics but we will get through it).

Went to the shops on Saturday to put some dry-cleaning in and get some heels fixed. While I was waiting for my heels to be fixed thought I would pop into Sussans (some people think its an "old lady" shop but it's actually got some kind of funky stuff - plus they go up to a size 16). Anyways sale time and I had some $ from Medicare so I thought why not. Found a nice suede trenchcoat down to $50 - size 16.. awesome! No I nearly drowned in it. Was way too big! Tried a s14 dress on and it fit, almost looked a little big in places (and of course it wasn't on sale so I put that back). Grabbed 2 pair of pants (one stretchy and another cotton: the cotton pair were casual wide-leg pants - something I thought to wear around the house) they fitted :-) were too tight but they fitted woohoo! The other was a pair of those Harem pants (aka MC Hammer Pants - tight at waist band and ankles). Thought they would be hideous but they fit nicely (snug but not tight) and so comfortable and for 50% off - came down to $35 so I got them.

My sizing is all over the place but I know my body is changing, even if the scales aren't as quick but I don't care. Over my tummy bug, headaches, back problems and I'm actually keen to get into the gym this week and kick some ass and get healthy.

xo

Reassurance.

Ok saw the Dr and everything is fine :-) YAY

Off to bed - tired and feel like I am coming down with a cold (everyone in my team at work has it) so off to get some beauty sleep.

xo

Band Worry.

Grrr. I normally don’t blog at work but I need to vent.

Ok well if you read my blog semi-regularly then you would know on Friday night I had a stomach virus (gastro) which caused me to vomit from about midnight till 7am – although nothing was actually coming up. I think I forgot to mention that I had severe reflux from taking a nurofen before I got the gastro and it was severe pain but after some Mylanta it seem to go away and then I got the gastro (it wasn’t a few PB’s because the reflux taste/pain went away and pretty sure you can’t reflux every 30mins for 7 hrs and have that gross nauseas feeling for 7hrs).

I called my Dr yesterday (since Monday was a public holiday) and spoke to a nurse/his receptionist/PA (I think she is more receptionist than nurse but anyway). Firstly she is old – nothing against old people but I don’t think she actually understood what was physically happening to me. She said a nurse would call me today. After some helpful comments which scared me (haha thanks Mindy – no I know they were meant to be helpful) I called my Dr back. Same receptionist again. Ugh! She said “I’m sure your fine, you probably just ate too much”. It was a virus you idiot! I told her I wanted to come in to see my Dr tonight but of course she said he was fully booked blah blah blah. I was probably a bit of a b*tch but told her I had paid $5000 for the OP, I pay $130 every 5 weeks for a fill and I am concerned about me and my band – I WILL be seeing the Dr today. She said she would call me back.

30mins later she calls me back. Telling me I have the last appointment tonight at 6pm (hopefully I won’t have to work back and be late hehe) and then quickly mentioned she had a call from another patient who has been vomiting all night and it seems there is a stomach bug going around. ZING! Ha ha ha.

Anyways so off to Dr tonight – already feeling reassured (and more worried at the same time, what if that reflux pain was actually band slipping pain?!). Trying not to worry – I am sure it will be fine and I will get there, Dr will poke and prod and will be like you are fine you silly girl but at least I will know. Plus the “receptionist nurse” told me it would be bulk billed (for the US readers, that basically means that the bill will be sent to Medicare, a government health fund kind of and the appointment will be FREE!). YAY.

Wish me luck peeps – kind of scared :-(

Update - so I typed this at work on a blank email a few hours ago and I just tried to have some lunch but it has left my tummy with that weird "am I still hungry or full feeling".. not sure if this is anxiety, band issues or period tummy (my tummy goes funny with food during my period). Hmm hurry up 6pm!

Perception. (and Dr advice re vomitting).

Today has been an odd and "eye-opening" day for me.

A lovely lady at work told me I looked beautiful today. Straight out just said "maddie you look beautiful today".GOB.SMACKED.

Then I was sitting on the train home (after a very long day I would like to whinge, I mean add) and I saw this lady coming down to sit next to me and she looked like an average size and I thought, crap I am going to squash her. But I didn't. There was room between us.

I would really like to see myself in other people's eyes for a day. And see if I am as fat as I think I am (or worse, I think I look better than I really do eeek).

And spoke to nurse today - she wasn't very helpful but said if the band slipped I would know about it. I would be in a whole world of pain. Tummy still feels a little odd. Also I don't eat much during the day but at night time I seem so hungry and tend to eat more at night. Weird. I need to work on my night time consumption. Hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow and make it to the gym (altough I work from 7.45am till 5.45pm today without a break) so hopefully I will get a lunch break.

Band and Vomiting?

wowsers I have had a crap of a weekend lol

Friday night (around midnight of course) I got the feeling of gastro and yes I spent 6 hrs vomiting every 30 minutes. But... no vomit actually came out (sorry this is a bit gross). I was just dry-reaching and gagging the whole time and nothing came out. Was a very weird feeling and my chest/ribs are still sore from all the dry-reaching for 6 hrs. Has anyone else been able to have a "normal" vomit with their band?

Then on Saturday morning thought I was going to spew, jumped out of bed too quickly and pinched a nerve in my lower back. Holy fuck was that painful. Got my period this morning and having cramps all day :-(

But I was at my BFs house and he took such good care of me. Holding my hair back, rubbing my back and getting me a hot water bottle all weekend. As well as driving to the shops to buy me some lemonade for my tummy and hired some of my fave DVDs as a surprise to make me feel better. I.AM.LUCKY! Such a great guy so I'm gonna book some gold class tickets for us next week and take him out somewhere special.

Feeling better now, had some porridge before and felt good - just exhausted and a little sore still.

Hope everyones weekend has been a little better than mine!

Weakness and Port Pain.

Ice cream is my weakness.

I love love love ice cream but I need to start having it as a special treat only - not a "must" after every meal because I don't need it and now I'm normally too full anyway but I love this pic. I don't really like Kylie Minouge but ice-cream and chanel... what more could a girl want?!

Does anyone elses port/port site ever hurt? Since my train ride it feels a bit funny depending how I sit (yes I hear people go "well don't sit like that then".. such a mum thing to say haha) but just curious.

Insert Witty Title Here.

Ok well saw my Dr and had a fill tonight - didn't lose much weight the past month and I was scared about my Dr being all "hmm thats a little slow" like he did last month when I lost 3kg in 4 weeks (that is good for me) but he was surprisingly great. Said to me that I shouldn't worry or be upset because I might just be a slow loser (lol I know that but I'm sure he meant slow loser regarding weight loss, right?! lol) anyway said a loss is a loss and I should be happy.

I was pleasantly surprised. I have set myself a goal for for the next time I see him (4 weeks) so gonna start working my booty off and get it all together (it has slowly becoming together).

Hope everyone else is well - I'm still a little bored with blogging so please leave any comments - even tell me to shut up if you want haha.

xo

Boredom.

Well nothing really new or exciting with me this week - gymed it 3 times - 1 sesh on Saturday morning! Food has been pretty good this w.end but need to really step up the exercise.

Apart from that, getting bit bored with blogging again - everyone seems not to be blogging anymore so I'm losing motivation.

xo

Sydney trip & going private

Well my Sydney trip was fantastic!

Was a killer getting up at 5am last Thursday to get to the airport but once I was in Sydney it flew by! My Sydney work team are so much fun and I had a GREAT time with my bestie Prue (another friend came down "with us" but ended up ditching us to hang with her brother the whole time because he was paying for everything - he booked her a limo from her hotel [which she ditched us for last minute as well] and didn't tell me and my friend Prue so we got a taxi while princess caught a limo by herself) Anyways she's been a spoilt princess for years and can't be bothered trying anymore but went to The Ivy on Sat night and danced and drank the night away.

Oh and I bought a dress from Cue! I have always admired their clothes and never thought I would fit into one but I do and I bought it on sale too double yay! I don't fit into all their size 14's but I fit into this one dress and I have to say I think it looks good.. I might take some pics.

We shopped/walked for about 8hrs straight on Saturday so I felt good for moving my butt. Eating was pretty good, I hardly ate but drank enough to make up for that oops.

Well off to the gym, I am more inspired to get into the exercise routine again since I want to buy more Cue clothes. Oh and I am thinking of making this a private blog - if you want me to add you, please email me or leave a comment with your email (I won't approve the comments so no-one else will be able to see your emails!).

xo

oops I did it again!

I went to the gym last night and worked my butt on the x-trainer for 43mins yay go me! I am going to try and squeeze in a work in between getting a massage and packing or I will do pilates at home.

very excited for my Sydney adventure :-)

have a great weekend peeps

maddie
xo

I did it!

I finally got my booty to the gym and worked my ass off for 30mins on the xtrainer. I know some people will be like that isn't enough or whatever but stuff you lol. Considering I haven't been in 2 weeks it's pretty good I did it.

I probably didn't choose the best week to get back into it - I fly to Sydney early Thursday morning for work and extending my work trip till Sunday so I can have fun with my bestie who is driving up from Canberra Friday arvo. But I am taking my exercise stuff and we're gonna walk around the harbour on Saturday morning and I'm gonna try to do a walk Friday morning maybe hit the hotel gym Thurs night if I'm not too tired.

Anyways feelin good peeps.

Maddie
xo

Angggrry!

Well I've just spent an hour with my friend who is pregnant - trying to console her.

Her scumbag BF (now EX), father of their unborn baby has cheated on her and for a while apparently, and with a mutual friend who knew she was pregnant.

At first I was pretty pissed with this homewrecker (don't worry her ex-BF has already gotten a mouthful and I blame him completely as well) but now I just pity her. Honestly I don't know what would posses a girl to sleep with a man who is having a baby. Clearly this poor delusional girl has issues because she is now bragging about how "she has won" and is in love. Sweety sweety sweety, thats not called love, its called wanting to get his d*ck wet. The funniest thing is she think she "has" him but my friend will ALWAYS be in his life, she is having his baby. And if he can cheat on his pregnant GF, what is stopping him cheating him on the silly little girl who thinks it is love.

I know some people will think I am being harsh, bitch, judgemental or whatever but I am upset for my friend, angry as all hell at her loser ex-BF and just angry/confused with this so called "friend" and feel sorry for someone who feels so low about themselves.

Deep breaths! Ok I have moved on now.

Too much booty in the pants!

I need to get my booty to the gym!

Everything is so good for me at the moment but I just can't be fucked exercising and yes I know how important it is and that I need to do it and its so good for me blah blah blah. I use to go to the gym about 4 times a week pre-band but I need to remember my band is a tool, not the miracle fatty band and will make me look like Heidi freakin Klum over night (but I swear I will grow another metre taller, get blonde hair and become a Victoria Secret model one day... one day! lol). And food & exercise are a pair and don't = weight loss if one is missing.

Can someone lend me their exercise mojo?!

Peace out peeps
xo

Cloud Nine and DOUBLE DIGITS!

Oh I love being on cloud nine.

It feels so good to be feeling good after a long dark period. But the dark cloud has made me appreciate the blue skies.

What I am grateful for:

- stable permanent job which I enjoy and am already being appreciated (they are flying me down to Sydney in a few weeks on a Thurs night to meet the rest of my team nd spend a day with them and my boss said I can stay till Sunday if I wanted to - obviously they will only pay for accomm on Thurs night BUT my bestie from Canberra is coming up and we are staying with a mutual friend who has a 3 bedroom apartment in darling harbour woohoo so I am uber uber UBER excited)

- great BF. Oh I am lucky and love him and appreciate him. He is so good to and I know which I am thankful for - a lot of girls I know don't appreciate their wonderful boyfriends

- friends are going well and making effort and I've made some great friend lately (you know who you are, Lady L) and I've had closure and resolved issues with certain friend
- weight... well according to the scales I am 99.7 kg! Which is yay because I am under 100kg. M weight loss has been a little slower than most people but whatever I am happy and know things are on the move and when I really get my ass moving it will be even better (I am still struggling with getting a steady exercise routine)

The past two weeks alone my mind has completely shifted (ok almost I still struggle with stuff... frequently lol) and I already feel my body thanking me for the mind shift and I am just happy right now :-)

Maddie
xo

Another piece of the jigsaw is in :-)

Another jugsaw piece went in yesterday :-)

Well the friend I have mentioned previously, was godmother of her child, best friends, suddenly ignoring me, her sister passed away etc etc well I emailed her when I found out about her sister and didn't expect anything back.

Got home from my BFs house last night (great w.end with him - so lucky to have him awww lol) and there is an email from her. Butterflies in stomach. Heart racing. Oh fuck. A part of me was expecting her to say " why don't you just F off and get the picture. Friendship. Over" but it wasn't. She said thanks for the support, her father (who had terrible advanced alzheimers [spelling?] and was unwell) has passed away and she hopes I am doing well. WOW. I was in shock and all of a sudden there was another piece in the puzzle, the skies cleared a little and I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

Even if we don't talk again I feel like there is proper closure. This shit has been resolved and I feel good. Loving life at the moment. I can't make gym tonight but am going to do my pilates DVD now :-)

Maddie
xo

Jigsaw Puzzle.

Sometimes I feel as if my life & head are a Jigsaw Puzzle.

I have the outside pieces in place creating a border (which metaphorically I would say is me, my generic life, 22, girl, eldest child, 2 younger siblings, brown hair, green eyes blah blah blah) and some more pieces which don't move and are my life story but the rest of the puzzle pieces (the present & future pieces) are constantly moving and changing and I never seem to have it puzzle completed. And every now and then the universe (me again really) gets frustrated or sad about the puzzle and pushes it off the table so I start from scratch.

Well lately I the puzzle feels it is about half way finished. All the puzzle pieces have fallen into place this week and a handful a missing and I know what they are and how to get them to complete the jigsaw. Some pieces won’t fit for a while (like a pair of size 12 jeans) but I know the piece will go in there someday. Soon.

So basically my mindframe has shifted for the better. I was thinking positive but now I FEEL positive and it might seem like there isn’t much difference between the two but there is. A big difference.

Maddie
xo

Blue Skies.

Well I have been under a bit of snow cloud the past few days (thanks to L for the term hehe) but yesterday and today feeling better and can see the blue skies now.

I do have good friends, a loving bf, finally a permanent job and a few goals to keep me sane. I'm feeling good about food as well.

Today I've had a coffee & plum for breakie, 1/2 a sandwich & a pear for lunch, a sml hot choc around 4ish and then for dinner around 7 I had bbq pork noodle soup and some yummy vegetables!

Oh and at work today we did a fire evac so I had to walk down the stairs - from L38! It was 40 flights of stairs and around 3500 steps according to my pedometer. I have done 9398 steps today so yay. And my menstrual weight gain dropped down overnight so getting there. The rollercoaster is going up and looking up at the moment.

Maddie
xo

What To Say...

Well it has been an interesting past 24hrs.

I found out some information about someone I was very close with. She was my best friend and we had been through everything together - including the delivery of her baby but things changed and she cut me out of her life (I'm sure her abusive manipulative partner had nothing to do with it). I found out last night that her sister killed herself - a month ago. I just felt such guilt and anger in myself last night I lost it and cried uncontrollably for about an hour. I hate myself that I wasn't there for her or her family in their time of need. After some very wise and comforting words from my mumushka I can't be angry at myself. I had no way of knowing (we have no real mutual friends) and she has cut herself of from communication (i.e. facebook) and has cut me out completely and the first thing I did last night was email her saying how sorry I was to hear about her loss and I hope her and Sam (her baby) are safe and well.

Then I find out via facebook that another close friend of mine (although we have drifted apart the past few years) is pregnant. I am so happy and excited for her but apart of me is saddened that she didn't tell me and I had to find out via facebook (she has since told me she wishes she had the chance to tell me before her partner blabbed on facie). And her being pregnant just brings back memories of my ex-friend being pregnant and it is just a surreal feeling for me at the moment. And another friend just got engaged today. I had sorted stuff out in my head on Sunday and all of sudden so many more emotions are flooding my head again.

My head is feeling clearer now but life and people change quickly and I am such a sucker when it comes to my friends. Anyways food & exercise now...

According to my pedometer I have taken 10,329 steps today and that is just my daily walking to/from station and around work so I am pretty happy with that. And food has been good today.
Skinny Cap for breakie
1 salmon roll for lunch
Omlette for dinner and I think I might have a scoop of ice-cream or frozen yoghurt.

I am liking work and getting my routine happening. I just need to move my butt more :-)

Peace out lol
Maddie
xo

Heyo

Heyo everyone - hope all the peeps had a good w.end.

Mine was good actually :-) work on Saturday wasn't bad - didn't eat until 4pm when I had a green apple and I felt fine with that but come dinner at 7pm I was pretty hungry.
And had a good chat with my bf. Did end up me just starting to cry and not being able to stop haha (this was at 1am after 2 wines and being pretty tired) but he was great as per usual and today after a nice deep sleep I feel better about everything already :-)

Today I have been pretty hungry but I look back 6 mths earlier and I would have eaten more than I did today.
Lunch - 12.00pm - sizzler. 1/2 plate of salad and I was full. Of course stupid me had some icecream and I was very full by then.
Arvo snack - 4.00pm - some cheese & crackers
Dinner - 7.00pm - Some yummy fish my mumushka cooked and salad. And had about 1.5L of water so far so feeling good.

Oh and I've registered for this MBF "change your life in 26 weeks" program. They have the usual tips and tricks. I think it will possibly be the usual "eat healthy, exercise" sort of stuff but I am going to try to stick to it. It can't hurt. Jump on the MBF website if anyone is keen :-)

Have a great start to week tomorrow everyone.

Maddie
xo

Blah.

So overnight I have gained about 1.5kg - damn monthlies are coming soon so I know thats why but it is still disappointing and annoying.

Now that I am working full time (6 days a week actually which is killing me) I have noticed my eating has improved and I don't eat that much anymore although somedays I can eat a sandwich and other days bread will kill me.

My life feels like a bit of a shit at the moment. I had a teary to my mumushka (what I call my mum)last night about how my life just isn't where I hoped or thought it would be at the moment. I am reassessing my relationship with my bf at the moment and find I am not coping having any "maddie" time due to working 6 days a week and then driving to his house and then back home Sunday night just to do it all over again. My wonderful mumushka reminded me that I have had a stresful past 4 mths from having the band to being made redundant and struggling getting a job which resulted in financial strain to all of a sudden working 6 days a week. So I have decided I will soon give up my Saturday job and at this point in time aiming to go overseas with my mumushka next year. She will come for 3 weeks and after that I might do a Contiki tour by myself or who knows but tha is my goal. I also want to move out in 3 mths time and whether that is with my bf, someone else or by myself who knows. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

And I've finally accepted (most of the time) that my weightloss is different to everyone else and the fact that I am losing weight is good enough. I know I can do better by exercising more but it took years to get myself fat and lazy and terrible habits so I need to realise it will take time to really get into my good habits and everyday it is a learning curve for me with my band.

I'm going out next w.end with the girls for a big bender so I think it will be good to have some fun and not worry and I'm sure once my hangover wears off I will feel better about the bf - he is great but the external factors at the moment are just straining our relationship.

Anyways I better do some work but needed to clear my head.

Have a great w.end to anyone who actually reads this lol.

Oh and thanks to the nice comments about my red dress.

Maddie
xo

Exhaaauuuusted!

I started my new permanent job today and feeling so-so about it. I really didn't want to leave the place where I was on a contract before but unfortunately they couldn't offer me a longer contract or a perm position and I have to put myself and financial safety first.

It's not that it wasn't bad but its that new, no idea what I'm doing. The Executive Manager I will be working for wasn't in and the guy looking after me didn't really know what I was doing and didn't even give me a proper tour and introduced me to 5 people lol so by lunch time I was ready to cry and go home (after walking around for 30mins (in my heels) trying to find a little park I could eat somewhere) and getting to sleep at 1am then tossing & turning all night didn't help... arvo got better but by the time 5pm came I was exhausted and not feeling too good....

....fast foward a few hours and I am feeling better. Exhausted and was feeling a little light headed for a while but ok. I seem to be all or nothing lately. Only ate once today and didn't have enough water so I need look after myself better. I'm going to take some cashews to work tomorrow to have for m.tea & a.tea. Now I know some people will be like only eat when you are hungry blah blah but every body is different and I know I sometimes my body doesn't like not having something in it for 5 hrs so a handful of cashews in the arvo to help my mind & body tide over until dinner I think will be fine :-)

Starting to feel "lighter" lately and feeling like I am getting some proper shape to my body. Want to gym/exercise 4 times this week (Wed/Thurs/Sat/Sun).

Maddie
xo

Pics N Pieces

On the right is a pic of myself @ my 21st Dec 07 - I think I was about 90-92kg then. I am having trouble finding other full length photos of myself... but I know I can't fit into that dress anymore. I am going out Saturday night so I will try and get some full length photos then *shudder*...

The only thing I like is that it looks like I have some sort of resembelance to ankles going on haha.

I might use this dress as my "goal" dress - to be able to fit into it and then for it to be too big!

Update - okay cannot find any photos of myself completely full legnth. I will update soon but since my 21st I have gotten fatter. More pics to come soon....

Have I seen you here before?

What is up ya'll?!!!

It has been a LONG time since my last ramble of a post but things have been busy. I scored a 3 mth contract and a week into I scored a permanent fulltime job with Suncorp which I start on Tuesday which I am happy about. Where I was working during my contract was a great place and I was pretty sad to go but everything happens for a reason and I am sure my new job will be great also.

Food & exercise have been alright, I definitely noticed a difference on the scales and my energy. I'm nearly under 100kg which I didn't think would be a big thing for me but it actually it is. And I know it has taken me a long time to get close but I've finally realised everyone's journey is different and the scales may not show a difference but the clothes are! I bought a dress from Witchery the other day (well 2 actually) one a size 14 and the other in a MEDIUM!!! Yes I know styles and cuts make all the difference but it's still a medium bitch haha so I look at the dress everytime I wake up and feel good about myself.

Hope everyone is doing well - I am going to try and get back into blogging semi-reguarly just for my own sake. I need to do food diary and keep track of my weight/measurements again.

Oh and I think I am over hiding my "identity" lol its just stupid and I don't think anyone even reads this anymore so who will even know it is me?! So stay tuned because I am going to post some proper pics of myself soon....

Skinnie Minnie A.K.A.....
Maddie
xo